Monthly Archives: December 2013

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If you can, can you please talk to me? I’m having a really bad day and I need support

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There’s gotta be something better than this

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do you see the theme I am starting here?

So

Today was okay. If there is one thing that most people know not to do around me it is that you DO NOT say shit to me about Corin. Corin is the best this on this planet and if you find him annoying then I hate you. And his dad gets frustrated with him and sometimes snaps. I understand, i don’t know what it is like to have a son with special needs, but that is my best friend. Don’t complain to me about him. He called me today and was like “I can’t handle Corin today, please take him”. Um, can I keep him. 

Poor Corin, he just needs to repeat to calm down. I am my happiest when I am with him, he is all the wonderful things. We saw Frozen and when to Chilis. (not my choice, it is Corin’s favorite place) Yes, that is the worst places to go when you have an eating disorder. So we went to the movies, and I am planning on just giving corin popcorn and not eating it. Nope, I unknowingly picked the theatre that they serve fine dining and alcohol during your movie. I am just sitting there while corin is eating a sandwich and fries and the lady beside me was getting plastered. I couldn’t enjoy the movie because of the smell of all the food. The whole time I was debating whether I should eat or not at Chilis. My eating disorder was like no, it’s Chilis, gross and fattening. And in my mind, I just kept asking myself “What will skipping this meal give me? I will wake up maybe having lost weight, which would do what, give me a supplement while everyone becomes more and more concerned”. So when we went, I ate this low calorie thing. I kept telling myself, “This sucks, but every bite gets me closer to having a normal life, this bite sucks but it will lead to later bites that will be okay. Then I fucking up. After I ate, I purged for the first time in a month, took two laxatives and 3 diuretics. 

I am in a lot of pain.

God, I am stupid. What’s the point of this? What is the point of living when I am killing myself slowly. I am losing everything but the weight but I can’t stop. It gives me comfort with the consequence of my health, my career, and my social life. I can’t have friends with this disorder, I can’t be a student with this disorder, I can’t be a good employee with this disorder, I can’t be a girlfriend with this disorder, I can’t have kids with this disorder, and I can’t be the person I could be. But the disorder comes first, always. 

I know I have said it a million times, but I am so sorry. I am so so so so sorry I can’t be the person I should be. No matter what anyone says, this is a disappointing situation. 

Do you know what is more disappointing than me?

Having your phone die and having this song come on when you have to turn on the radio

I wanted to run into a tree. The Brady Bunch is so bad. I don’t understand the big deal. No, I don’t dig the sunshine.

Goodnight Friends

Sarah

 

The one feather tale of Ms. Gertrude McFuzz

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There are a lot of things that I don’t understand and football is one of them. Every fucking time there is a game, all of my Facebook feed is how excited people are about the panthers. 

So last night I binged and today I acted on every symptom in the history of ever. All I have had today was a spoonful of cottage cheese and spinach leaves. Today for dinner I pretended like I had plans with a friend and hid in my car for a few hours and got a car wash. All to avoid quesadillas.

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I am really conflicted about my ED today. My logic wants recovery and my ED wants to be thin

so my
mind is too crazy for words 

PS

I do love and respect all of you but no, I will not take pictures of myself so you can see my weight and how I look. I know you mean well but taking pictures just so you can look at my body, even if it is for see concern does not make me feel comfortable. Asking any woman to take pictures of her body so you can see her weight is degrading. If you want to see me that bad then come on support day but oh no wait, you won’t. If you want to see me at 112 pounds you gotta make the effort babe. Spoiler alert I look the exact same soo never ask me that question again

It’s a sin to kill a mockingbird

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I have literally done nothing productive today. I have just sat and slept. 

My dad was watching fox news today and I wanted to kill these bitches. It was this show called “The Five” and there was one girl on there that kept talking about the duck dynasty guy and if it wasn’t fox news I would think this bitch was being sarcastic with the things that she was saying because they were that ignorant. 

I woke up this morning and got on the scale to see my lowest weight ever. I will not lie to you I was really happy when I saw it. Really happy. One shitty shitty shitty thing that I do is when I lose weight, I lose control of restricting and I binge. That’s why although I have had this disorder for quite a bit I have always been between 10 pounds until I started almost strictly restricting. But yeah, it was my lowest weight I have ever hit and I fucked it up. It all started with a cookie, then it went to bags and bags of chips, more cookies, hummus. I don’t know how to explain what a binge is like to someone, you are eating as fast as your mind is going. You don’t even taste the food, you are just eating and eating and eating and eating. During it, you know you are going to regret it but your urge to binge  is louder. 

Then it does end….and the real hell begins. Suddenly your mind is trying to figure out how to get rid of all this food. Purging was a bust because I lost my gag reflex, so I took handfuls of laxatives, diet pills, diuretics, I have ran, had tons of water to flush out my system. I feel like shit. I will never have the body that I want. 

Why do I want this? Like why the hell do I want this eating disorder? I see all these people want recovery and are fighting and I am over here like “I’ll just have a water”. I hate my mind. I wish I wanted a life free from this but I don’t feel I deserve that life. That this is it, this disorder is just me, people like me more with it, I do better with it. This sounds fucked up but anorexia and bulimia are not done with me yet. 

But hey, guess what I did?

I completed my social goal for the weekend. Before each weekend, we have to write our goals and shit, like a nutrition goal, a social goal, etc. and my social goal was to text someone first. I have been isolating all break, I don’t really text people first, I only hang out with frew friends, so my social goal was to text someone hello. And I did. We got as far as “How are you”‘s. turns out we are both good. So there, I never would’ve known that we were both in fact good.

I don’t have too much to say, I am not going to lie I am super pumped to be ditching this blog after next week. I feel like this has made my writing worse. 

Who’s pumped for a cigarette? This bitch,

Sarah 

If I was Recovered I Would

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If I was recovered I would have friends again, not the kinds of friends that we just smile when we see each other but real friends. We could go places and go out to eat and I wouldn’t have to hide or take pills before food.

If I was recovered I could be in school and know that I would stay there.

If I was recovered I would make people proud because I beat this.

If I was recovered I would be able to go on dates.

If I was recovered my worth wouldn’t be a number or a size, it would be my qualities, my actions and who I was just being me.

If I was recovered I wouldn’t go to bed every night hoping I wouldn’t wake up and when I do wake up, I wouldn’t feel anxious about the hours ahead.

If I was recovered I could allow someone else to chose the restaurants

If I was recovered I could smile and truly mean it

If I was recovered I could walk into a store, a class, or anywhere really and not compare myself to every single person who I see.

If I was recovered I would have people want to hang out with me, not just to make sure I am not eating or purging

If I was recovered I wouldn’t be a burden to people, I wouldn’t make people worry, I would make people proud

If I was recovered I could live my own life, not have to worry about weight or being hospitalized or blood tests

If I was recovered I wouldn’t be costing my family thousands of dollars, I would be there for support not for help.

If I was recovered I could be 21, I could enjoy the things that I am supposed enjoy instead of hiding

If I was recovered I could eat what I wanted because I wanted it, not because of the calorie content or what components it is meeting, I could enjoy it for the taste, not feel guilty for enjoying myself. And I wouldn’t have to spit in my napkin or in the trash

If I was recovered I could walk into a room with food, like a buffet or a staff gathering, and not feel like I have already eaten the food. When I smell food, I wouldn’t feel like I was inhaling the calories or fear that I am going to be held down and forced to eat

If I was recovered I wouldn’t cry over food. I wouldn’t have to hide my tears or ask people what the food would be beforehand

If I was recovered I could promise you that I wasn’t going to die soon. I could tell you that I wanted to live, I could be a story of survival instead of this pathetic tale of the girl who just wasn’t enough.

If I was recovered I could be Sarah. I could enjoy my life and hope for a future because I would feel like I deserve a future.

But Im not. Im not Sarah, I am this eating disorder manifested in some one’s body. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I am supposed to get better because I don’t feel like I deserve all the things I have listed.

Pipsy

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So today I found out that you could download nitendo 64 games to your wii. What. This means I can play diddy kong racing so finally, after many years of being apart, Pipsy is back. 

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Look at her in her fucking plane. Hell yeah. Pipsy is this boss ass bitch on diddy kong racing. She is the only girl, she is a mouse, and hands down she is the best fucking racer in the whole game. Fuck Timber, fuck tiptup, fuck conker, and a big fuck you to Krunch. Pipsy will always win, she is so fucking fast, and she is the best player. Ask anyone. Minus her in a boat, she isn’t good in the boat, but I mean what the fuck do you expect. Sorry she isn’t a goddamn alligator like Krunch, fucking biased asians. Sorry bitches, if you aren’t Pipsy then you will never have the ability to race (and win) Wizpig. He is one scary mother fucker so watch out. 

I am so fucking pumped for this. That game was my childhood. When I was younger and I was sick, instead of asking for a story or whatever sick kids ask for, I always would ask my dad to play Pipsy and race Wizpig so I could watch. 

actually bad news. I won’t be playing pipsy because my wii won’t download. I watch Family Guy instead. 

Want to see something funny? So I used to sing a lotttt when I was growing up. One of the things I was a part of was Charlotte Children’s Choir, where white privileged kids get intense training and sing by fear of Sandy Holland. It was awesome. So there are many different choirs and in this video is when I was in the Chamber and Concert Choir. And yes, I am wearing that outfit. And yes, I am doing that dance. And yes, I am in the front. I was like 12, 13 I think. I was so embarrassed. Anyways, once a year we had to do this piedmont invitational thing where we spent a week in training in Raleigh. I had totally erased Roger Bobo from my memory from sheer trauma until someone from Charlotte Childrens Choir sent this to me. 

I am really scared to go back to school. Normally, i am really excited and so ready to go back but this time I feel like I am entering a dark cave or something. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to eat, I just want to restrict and work out. I know it’s dumb but I just want to be thin and I am afraid that if I go back I will be risking my job, my health, my friends, parent’s trust. I mean, maybe this will get better when I get back, i don’t know I just highly doubt it. 

Then I had the semester off option where I get more intensive treatment. This would cost a ton of money, like over a thousand dollars a day kind of money that my insurance won’t cover. I would have to eventually be at home, I wouldn’t get the summer job, people would know, I would gain weight, I would lose my friends, I would lose respect, I would just lose. I mean there is a possibility to recover but I would lose everything I love if I did that. But at the same time everything I love doesn’t even interest anymore. 

I don’t know. I don’t know what I should do or what I should ask for. I hate myself for doing this. I hate myself for all this bullshit.

I just want to be Pipsy

Sarah 

Everybody’s talking at me but I don’t hear a word their saying

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only echoes in my mind

Oh Nilsson

Everyone who has this link has already been informed on today and I have gotten many a lecture of disappointed friends as well as friends that were more upset than disappointed. So i am not going to go on about the meeting(s) I have had. I get it, I need to eat. Cool. 

I’m not mad at anyone what so ever. At all. No anger. I just wish that people with eating disorders and people without an eating disorder could switch minds because i would love for some people to hear what was said to me with an eating disorder mind or just experience it. It’s not about the food, it’s not about a number, it’s not the calories or the scale or fats vs. starches. No, no that is not it at all. It’s about actions, it’s about using a maladaptive coping mechanism to deal with problems or issues instead of talking about them or feeling them. No matter what eating disorder, anorexia, ednos, bulimia or BED or chewing and spitting or whatever the fuck we are doing with food that is disordered. It’s all the same shit. Food is the symptom, not the main issue. This is not a disorder that I can eat my way through or a disorder or just recover or just do whatever it is people think I am supposed to do. If I knew the answer or the steps or what recovery looked like I promise you I would be all about it. Do you think I enjoy this? Do you think that I just love sitting here every fucking day writing about how I am losing to my eating disorder, knowing that I people that love me and support me and I can’t please them. All I fucking do is try to please people, it’s more important to me than anything in the world and what sucks is I can’t do this for other people I have to do this for me and doing something for me does not make sense. I don’t deserve it, I do not deserve what I am doing to people, I have lost this because recovering for someone else won’t work and I can’t do this for me. 

Whoever is reading this, you are healthy. Enjoy being healthy, turn this off and go be with other people who are healthy. I am not healthy, let’s be real, I am not going to be healthy, and I don’t deserve healthies. I love you all with more words than I can explain, that’s why i am here because I want to please you and I can’t this time. This disorder found my weakness, which is fighting for myself, and I can’t fight that. You deserve to be with a healthy, to love a healthy and be a supporter of a healthy. Because when you say all these things to be I want to scream because I can’t do them. Although I would never wish this on anybody, I just wish that you all could see this from my shoes. I wish that you could see what it is like to have your mind scream at you, or to eat a bite of food that will leave you crying for hours, to lie to people when they ask you out to dinner and say that you have somewhere to go and you hide in your car for 2 hours or to be terrified that people will find your container of vomit in your room. Just to walk down a street and wanting to be everybody else walking past you, to have your body addicted to laxatives, or to have constant pain. Just to sit at a meal and people talking about the food is a huge fear. Imagine all your worth being a number and when it goes up all the feeling that you have been trying to hide go up along with it. 

Like I said I’m not mad I just want people to understand that this is more than just learning to enjoy mcdonalds. I am not ready to face what I have been avoiding. Every comment, every action, every person that has left me, every mistake, every word that I have worked so hard with every purge, pill, or restriction has been carefully placed in a part that is not felt and I don’t want it to be. I done want to feel this. 

I am sorry if this is making anyone upset, I just hate hearing how much people care and how little I can do. This disorder allows me to be the person who you befriended please just let me keep this one thing.