Renfrew, legend of the smaug. Day 2

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Hello my little Lalaloopsy

I had a win today. Today was the first day I didn’t take laxatives or diet pills. so yay sarah. what a thrilling feeling. . .

I would rather be thin than have a win.

and I cheated again. it isn’t intentional. well it is. Here is the run down, below I put a picture of what my meal plan is. Thats a lot of food. A ton of food, actually. and I can’t do shit. I can’t work out, I can’t take laxatives and I can’t purge. I was talking to my dad about how they want me to gain weight and I showed him my meal plan and he was like “well if you eat like that you sure as hell will”. done. I was done. I eat 2 out of the 3 meals planned for me and it is really uncomfortable with just those two. Like I want to vomit I am so full. So I still eat dinner, it just isn’t as much as I normally would. And to be fair, I thought that this was supposed to eat me how to eat again. My meal plan is a binge basically and I thought that we weren’t supposed to eat when we are full. That’s not eating well. and the fact that I am still eating dinner, even though it isn’t exactly what she wanted, I am still eating…well. I have a egg, cheese, and soy sausage biscuit with a banana and I am hella full. I am just scared that I will get in trouble.

I have been told by everyone on staff that they want me to take the next semester of school off so I can go to residential then do more partial hospitalization when I get back. I don’t know. I still don’t think I am that sick. I am somewhat considering it, but I love school but I am going to be honest, having only three weeks is not going to do much. I am trying though. I hate that. I wish I could put time on pause but I can’t. I am in day two and this is mentally and physically exhausting. I do like the center but it is safe there. You have support and people that know what you are going through know this and they already have the meals planned and you just follow their direction. I mean , it is still hard, it isn’t easy to talk about all this stuff and to eat the meals (I will tell you about the lunch struggle later) but when you are on your own it is so much harder.

Today my dad came home early because he is in so much pain and my mom gets home late so I make dinner for them. While my dad was upstairs resting and my mom was still at work, I had a panic attack on my kitchen floor. A full, crying, shaking panic attack. I have used food for sooooo long to cover up emotions and now it’s like once I started eating normally, or even more than that, i broke. Ive been crying all day. I feel terrible.

Just being told I have to gain weight is like a slap in the face. and like i said, treatment is safe but once I step outside it gets hard. I compare myself  to every girl, wanting to look like her, wanting her collarbones, her legs, her grace, just wanting not to be me. Knowing that I will never be thin, I will never be the pretty girl, the girl who people want to look like, or the girl that I want to be hurts. I know so many people that are so beautiful but are so fucked up and that’s all I want. I can’t take back all the things I have lost, I can’t take back all my mistakes or anything I want to have back at all. And I am grieving that, i thought I already had grieved it until today, but I just wanted an exterior that didn’t match my interior. I wanted people to see something beautiful, something frail, something to want to be. but without this disorder my body looks like what I truly am, which is a wasted excuse for a person. I just have to learn to be okay with that. Learning to be okay that you will never be what you want is a shit feeling. I just want to hide and not turn into this fat fuck that renfrew is turning me into.

Side note, it is cute when I cry because my dog licks my tears away. This blog has been going on for two hours because I am crying while I am writing this and he keeps getting in my face, licking me.

I miss the support of the people in Greensboro. I want a hug, I wish that fridays wasn’t family days and instead was support days where we could have the people who are really there to support us. There are just a few people that I really wish were here, I know I need to be here but it is lonely.

I remember the last time that I felt this bad. It was during RA training this past summer. I don’t know what it was or what made me feel this way but I remember feeling like everyone in the room was staring me down and judging me because I was so fat. I could feel every fiber in my clothes touching my skin as if they were going to rip off because I was too heavy. I felt like I wasn’t worth anything, like everyone was in on this joke that was me. I remember feeling like everyone was staring me down. It was so uncomfortable at one point I wanted to scream. I remember running my hands over my body, feeling every fat, every bad part that I wouldnt go away. I got glances every once and awhile from people when I would bring my own foods but in that auditorium I felt like everyone was thinking that if me bringing my own food was because I wasn’t good enough for what they were eating. Because they have the bodies they want, they are confident, they are pretty (sort of :)) and there I was, bringing my own food, too afraid to touch, to look or to smell someone else’s.

Think of me tomorrow, I am begging for support. It isn’t like me to ask for help but please, just wish me luck. This is bigger than I ever thought it would be. And if for some reason any person who I gave this link to wants to give a hug, just come to the 28277.

I can’t wait to see you all

Will, I can’t wait for our next Tuesday

Peace & Blessings

Sarah

OH YEAHHHH….the lunch struggle I said I was going to tell you about. So today we had all these fear foods for me, which it wasn’t even fear food day, and I had a breakdown. We have one hour to finish 100% of our meal. They gave me a grilled cheese, banana, salad, and nuts. What got me is that I couldn’t do any food rituals. So if you have eaten around me while I have been in my ED, you may have noticed that I try to eat one thing at a time, I tear up my food and I drink water between sips. I do that to make the food more approachable, make me fuller faster, and control my anxiety so it’s not like this huge, overwhelming thing. The worst for me was sandwiches. Even the thought of a sandwich makes me nervous. Because in one bit, you are getting allllllllll this food in your mouth and that is terrifying. so I break it up. We can’t do that. So I was already full from breakfast, my nutritionist told me that eating again will make me very full and uncomfortable and it fucking does, and there it was. A sandwich with butter and purgable foods. so i cried and cried, took longer than the time I had, and had to eat with a nutritionist, I almost had to take a supplement.

And for most people who know me, they know that when it comes to expressing myself, I stay pretty composed and I don’t allow myself to look weak. Let me let you in on my life right now, I am a mess. I have known people for years who have never seen me cry, well guess the fuck what. Sarah is crying, a lot. Today I bought a pair of cry pants. I normally use clothes to make me not cry but since my emotions are everywhere because on treatment, no cute sweater can stop the tears. So I went to the store, bought a new pair of sweatpants for the sole purpose of crying in. and I am wearing my cry pants right now because I am crying and I will sleep in my cry pants and tomorrow I will wear my cry pants for all the tears.

Cry pants are totally in. It goes well with not bathing and eating a lot.

sorry about any grammar mistakes

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2 responses »

  1. Tuesday’s waiting for you…..And we are all with you in spirit every day, especially Family Friday. Crying is not weak. Showing your hurt isn’t weak. You’re strong, and you’re hurting, and you’re doing what you need to do.

  2. Sarah, we miss you. I hope you do decide to come back to school next semester. I have been looking into airbrushing and photoshopping models. Not one of them looks like that, and these are the people we compare ourselves too. It is the never achievable goal of perfection. We can go the gym together (to get healthy!!! Not skinny!) And also play racket ball. I need a partner. Working out will help you stop binge eating! New habits will. The hardest part is going to just get started. I promise, I will be here to help you in anyway I can. And I need a gym buddy.

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