I am not okay. I am just not okay
I hate this. I want to be thin. I just want to be thin and they are taking the only thing in the world that allows me to handle life away from me. I feel so uncomfortable. I get so excited now when i feel hungry because I am full all the time. I love it. I feel comfortable and content when I am hungry, I know it is bad but I am going to probably restrict all weekend just to get my head on straight. I feel like I am withdrawing from a drug.
I hate saying this because I hate using the word trigger because I feel like I sound like a pussy but everything is a trigger for me right now. I can’t watch tv because the commercials make me feel fat and most shows show food, I can’t be around people because fat talk is so common and being in treatment makes you insanely sensitive, I can barely drive there are so many images of food and people, signs for weight loss, can’t really be on any other website but here because of pictures, and I can’t sleep because all i can think of is how fat I am getting. If you have had an eating disorder, you know that these thoughts are always there even when/if you are not in treatment but you deal with it through your eating disorder. With that gone, you have no coping skills and you are living your worst nightmare.
Today was extremely difficult. I offended someone, again. Some of these bitches just need to let their balls drop. So since I am on the mega diet, I have to have 2 fats every meal and today at breakfast I finished my food but once I was done, I immediately started crying. In meal support therapy, I had to talk it out when all I wanted to do was sit in the corner in cry. Then we had meal planing for the weekend and we had to write three fear foods for every meal plus three for a snack then we had to share what they were. That was probably the last thing I wanted to do in the whole world but since I was crying she picked on me. She told me to say a snack that I am afraid of and I said a starbucks carmel frappucino. Then I had to say why. Growing up thats what me and my dad would always get together while we talked politics or some hot button issue. Every since he got sick, we haven’t been able to. I don’t know if I can ever have one again. She got mad when I told her that I was too afraid and I didn’t want to try. I don’t know why I told her that one and didn’t say like pizza or potatoes. That’s what started my day 3 breakdown.
I don’t really want to go into details about why I cried so much and what all happened the rest of the day. I did make a friend. We both refused to eat ice cream so we shared a boost. we said that we were going to open up a new supplement store called starboost for people with eating disorders.
This blog is boring today and I am too emotionally exhausted to make this whimsically.
I want to thank everyone for their support through texts, calls, and messages. It really does mean a lot, I feel very isolated here. Even though treatment is hard, the hardest part is when I leave. So whether you are communicating with me offering me support or just telling me about your day, it really means a lot.
Tomorrow I have to go through support day with no one there. Wish me luck because I don’t want to have a break down in front of people I don’t know. It’d be awk.
sorry for any spelling mistakes.
no fucks given