Pancakes

Hello there 

You are reading a blog from someone who conquered her first challenge day…no big deal

For most people with an eating disorder, every meal, even safe foods, can bring a whole ass load of emotions. There are some foods though that make us freak the fuck out. For me, I am terrified of fried foods, drinks with calories, pizza, foods that are thick like bread or pancakes or soups, things that don’t have the calorie amount in to, sandwiches, mixture of foods, etc. So every week we have fear food day where we have to eat something that most people who have EDs would normally never touch and if they did, it would result in major restriction or purge episode. So today we had 3 pancakes, 2 butter packets, syrup, a fat (i had almonds), apple juice, and a peach yogurt. God it sucked. and I had to take a boost beforehand because I had lost half a pound from yesterday. stupid.

Today was hard because it was family day slash support day. Before I thought it was just family, but my friend told me anyone could come. I guess it was good I didn’t have anyone because I wrote down the time wrong, it was at 9-11. We had to write the parents questions and write ones for us about eating disorders then we had to read them out loud and answer. We also had meal support therapy with them too. I think that was very helpful for people who don’t understand eating disorders to sit in on because they can see how overwhelming just a pancake can be. While we are eating, we are not allowed to have any food talk. Not just about what we are eating, but also other foods. We can’t even say “This is good” or anything. So after each meal we have meal support therapy so we can talk about what we were going through while we were eating and if we did any rituals. For me this has been comforting because during most meals I feel really alone and I think that no one is overanalyzing every bite like I am. In MST, you see how even though we weren’t saying how the food was making us feel, we were all thinking it. 

I am really anxious about going back to Greensboro because I won’t have things like that there. I have support, but I don’t have MST and food talk is everywhere. And I can’t be mad, I am more jealous actually that most people that I am surrounded by can say things like “That is a lot of food” or they can talk about foods they like without wanting to cry. It’s not fair, honestly, that I have to think like this. It’s not fair that I count how many times I chew, it’s not fair that I can’t enjoy a meal, it’s not fair that people don’t think about when they talk about dieting, eating, and other people how triggering it is to me.  It’s not fair that I immediately judge people for their weight because I am so unsatisfied with mine and I look at every person who walks by and thinks about how much I want to look like them. Treatment is like being in a bubble, it’s hard but if you have to eat and you have to be on track, at least for 5 hours a day, which a week ago, I couldn’t do for 5 minutes. But I don’t know what the hell I am going to do this when I get back. Most people go from residential, partial hospitalization, then intensive outpatient, then weekly meetings, then you’re okay. This is a process that usually takes about 8 months IF you don’t slip up because relapse is a part of recovery so most people will mix it up. I am going to php for 3 weeks then being thrown back into the general population. Before I went to treatment, I was so pumped for my next semester and now I can’t be more terrified. I don’t have the tools for school yet. 

I love how I am talking like I am all recovery. Honestly, I don’t even now what I want. I do know that I am terrified. I am terrified with how much I am wanting and enjoying restricting more than I ever am before. I am terrified how unsatisfied I am with my weight. I am terrified with feeling like I have taken 4 steps forward and 5 steps backwards. Half of me is into this and the other half is more into my eating disorder than ever before. It’s like I want both. I want my eating disorder to be okay. I want it to be okay to not eat and purge, I want it to be normal. My dad was trying to tell me that gaining 3 to 5 pounds isn’t the worst thing in the world. That is wasn’t worth killing yourself over. My ED started screaming at me that is was worth dying for and that I should be focusing on losing 3 to 5 pounds if that. 

Having an eating disorder is really hard, but even beginning to fight it is the hardest thing that you will ever do. I can’t even imagine people who are in this all the way, I am not and this is absolute hell. 

I am really sorry that these blog entries suck. I am just writing, and I am added no pizzazz. or making any special effort to look over the spelling. sooo Im sorry.

This is just a very emotional thing to go through. Maybe I will add some whimsy later. 

I hope you have a great weekend. Thank you again for all your support.

Hugs are a really nice thing

Sarah