Okay bitches, first things first. It is not deck the halls, it is deck the hall. Google it, I am not fucking wrong. Look at the goddamn history. Deck the hall mother fucker. No person would like to deck multiple halls, people bitch all about the struggle of putting their tree up and you are going to fucking tell me that you want to deck not one, but many halls. What does that even mean? If I text you and ask what you are doing and you reply with “Im decking the halls” what the fuck are you doing then. Explain to me how you deck the halls, oh wait you can’t. I hate the Christmas season for many reasons but one of the main reasons is because people are so fucking stupid when it comes to deck the hall. There are movies called deck the halls, fucking songs, choirs, songs on the radio that use deck the halls. what the fuck are you doing? If you sing a christmas classic wrong then don’t set up your fucking nativity like you fucking know christmas. You aren’t pagan, you aren’t fucking cool if you have a blow up jesus on a motorcycle in your yard and you don’t know christmas. You just don’t. Get your head out of your ass.
Sorry, that shit just bothers me a lot.
Today has been insane. I mean, I really didn’t do so much shit, my ED has just been everywhere. I think I have realized why I have been mega restricting…I think it is because I haven’t been able to purge too well or often so the cycle is out of whack. Normally, I restrict for a bit, this can last from just hours, days, and weeks then I will go into starting to eat somewhat normal and I purge every now and then, about once a day, then to a mega binge where I am purging multiple times a day, takes diuretics, laxatives, etc. So my cycle is out of whack, which is making me more paranoid, and makes everything about my ED and my recovery so much harder. I am terrified to eat anything because I am afraid I am going to binge because I can’t purge well or as much as I normally can but my mind is like “binge binge binge bingity binge” and when your mind is like that all you think about is food, all you want to do is eat and telling yourself to not eat is the hardest fucking thing. Controlling this has been very difficult for me and has lead to some major restricting and pill taking over the past couple weeks. Even though I am bummed about my weight gain, I am still the lowest I have ever been. Which is great, I guess, but I would love to be lower but it is like the world is fighting against that.
So today I have taken a lot of diet pills, binged a little, restricted a lot, done a hell of a bit of rituals and, most successfully, did a challenge meal. So let’s focus on that, I did a challenge meal. Forget the other stuff, I got it down. My challenge meal today was shrimp and grits. This sounds gross if you have never had shrimp and grits, it really does, but I am going to lay down some knowledge for ya…shrimp and grits done well are the best fucking thing in the entire world. I can make you some kick ass shrimp and grits. And I am not trying to be like “I am a fucking boss” but I am a fucking boss at making shrimp and grits. And I have heard people be like, oh shit thats gross I don’t want to try but I have never had someone hate my shrimp and grits. I will bet my ass you will like it. So don’t be so critical. As yummy as they are, they incorporate every type of fear food. First, it is hard to purge, it is cheesy, it has butter, it is thick and I say it again because it is really important, it is cheesy. But I did it, it was hard, I started isolating a tad, but I did it. And for the win, I have to do it tomorrow too. One of the shitty parts of having a balling secret shrimp and grits recipe is everyone in charlotte wants me to make it for them. Damn, I sound like such an asshole right now but my mom has asked me all week to make them and when I refused because I am lazy and I didn’t want to, my mom made her own recipe. Terrible, just terrible. I mean they were good but me not knowing what texture, what flavor or the calorie count and me not being able to cook it was really overwhelming but I did it. And tomorrow I have to do it again because Corin’s family asked me to make it for them. Ugh.
This is what absolute terror can look like
That is my mommy’s shrimp and grits
Sometimes I forget that people are ridiculous. I went to an ugly sweater party this evening, and it was in south carolina with one of my childhood friends. Holy shit, we were truly in south carolina. We played cards against humanity and one of the guys we played with had his shotgun in his hand, like it was a cane or something. Just chilling. What the hell. There was deer heads every fucking where. All there little appetizers involved fried meat or chocolate or both and veggies with ranch. They were talking about how obama has ruined there life and racism, using the r word and drinking Budweiser. I was disgusted. I am still disgusted. That’s what is so funny with where I live. I am less than 5 minutes away from south carolina and it is like the second you cross that line you are in another land. Fucking walmarts, cheap gas, cigarette and firework places everywhere, and people who dream of the joys of carwinds all year long (“even though the gold pass is cheaper, you can’t get any better than the platinum pass. Free parkin’, and premium ride time. We don’t need no vacation when you have afterburn and unlimited scarwinds!” these people exist). Thinking about not drinking as much? I have the perfect drinking game for you. Go to south carolina and take a shot for every asian you see. You won’t get drunk, you will never have to call a taxi and you get to decided whether it’s racist if it is in the spirit of fun. and if you pick that it is racist, you are in good company because you are in south carolina.
There is all the whimsy I can give.
Racism and whimsy…that’s as good as I can get.
As I always say and will continue to say, I cannot express enough how much y’all’s support has meant to me. I have been very isolated since I have been back because I am trying to focus on me, so every sweet message, phone call, or text has meant the world to me.
Hey sorry for any spelling and grammar errors. I would have given a fuck but I left them all in south carolina.