Frustrated

Standard

I just had a major panic attack while I met with my nutritionist today. At first it was all good and then she weight over my weight and she said I had gained a pound and I am so mad at myself. It sucks because today I was kinda feeling recovery and now that’s shot. She was like why are you so focused on being ‘x’ pounds (I’m not including numbers because I don’t want to tell you my weight. I’m too embarrassed y’all will think I’m fat or a balloon). And I told her that it’s all that I want. All I want to do is be thin. Whenever I would see the scale go up that was tough enough but when someone tells you that you have gained weight it feels like someone just stabbed you. She was like you can’t be where you want to be in ten years if you keep restricting but all I want to do is be thin. I am so mad at myself and now I don’t even want to keep going, I just want to stop all of this and diet. Now it all just is so much more scary. I never want to eat or go out. Everyone is going to see this gross fatty. I am so humiliated, I just want to isolate, go back to my laxatives, diuretics, diet pills and treadmill and just get this shit over with. Fucking x pounds, I look disgusting. I am disgusting. Fuck. I can’t be thin, I can’t be thin, I can’t be thin and it’s not fucking fair. This is all I want and it’s not fair

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