I heard that the other day that and it was one of those things that kind of put this whole disorder in perspective. It makes sense, sometimes I struggle with realizing rather I actually have a disorder. I think hearing this has somewhat made me realize that I am indeed sick. I am already underweight but yet I want to look smaller. I realize that I do not truly no what I look like but I want to be smaller. In my mind, I do not look thin or skinny, I am in the chubby/normal size. But whether I am or not is not the issue, I want to look sickly thin. I want to see bones. I want to be frail and I am killing myself in the process. And that’s disgusting but that’s what I want.
I painted pottery today with my closest friend from renfrew. We talked about ED’s, the people in the center and what we guessed everyone’s disorder was. She said when she saw me she would’ve guessed anorexia. As sick as that is, it made my day. It is super triggering and really made me want to restrict even more. I suppose I am kind of in the middle because when you walk in, you can see a clear difference between the ladies who are suffering with bulimia and the ones suffering for anorexia overall. People with bulimia are the ones who would shock you, they are normal weight for the most part. I am the only person who came in with the diagnosis of bulimia who is underweight and on meal plan C.
Good news kids
I have defeated bulimia. As of today, I am no longer considered bulimic. I did it. Go Sarah. Bring on the congrats cards. Sarah did it. No longer in the bulimic category.
Bad news bears though
As of today, I have been officially diagnosed with Anorexia with purging tendencies. It makes sense but I wasn’t completely expecting that. I mean I was, I kind of thought that I was but it’s different when you actually hear it, ya know? Anorexia. Damn. It makes sense, I do fast more than most people with bulimia, when I could purge, I would do it all the time, not just after a binge. I feel like I have been put in a new different battle field. I should have seen it coming, they put me on the meal plan designed for people with anorexia and they mainly talk to me about fasting and appetite suppressants in one on ones.
I did have a good day. I told you it would come. So let’s have a “Good fucking job Sarah” because Sarah did a great job today. So for breakfast, I normally have the same thing but today, I branched out. Got a new flavor of oatmeal, used butter as my fat (which is like so taboo in the ED world.) and a new type of yogurt. and I finished. AND we had challenge day today which was chickfila and fries. I had a veggie burger but the fries where from chickfila. And I struggle hard at first, really hard, I was crying and I couldn’t even look at it. BUT after a 30 minute melt down, I fucking ate it. No supplement. Hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah.
After the challenge meal is when things got pretty intense for me. I had some really intense self hate thoughts afterwards and that’s why I think restricting has been so bad for me lately. I am so terrified of food because of the thoughts I have afterwards it’s not really worth it. And I hate that, I feel like I am disappointing everyone. I can’t see myself getting over it and I am so sorry. I want to be so strong but I am just not. God, do you know how awesome it would be if I could tell you that I am doing well in recovery? I’m not, my ED is louder than ever and can’t win.
It was never foods intention to do this to me
so now the best news
I GET A PERSON FOR SUPPORT DAYYYYY WOOOOO YAYYY FOREVER
I am so excited
Thank you Lindsay for coming tomorrow. It’s going to be amazing.
Thank you for the support