This was the fear food I had to eat over the weekend.
I think of suicide over almonds but I will eat chips to save myself from a boost
UPDATE FROM THIS POST
So, I ate my fear food for the weekend and I think that I had somewhat of a realization about my eating disorder. You know when Oprah would realize something and call it an “Aha” moment. I would consider this an aha moment.
After I was done with my chips my mind immediately went to wanting to eat more. I looked in cupboard and went through every food and my mind kept telling me “no” “no” “no” but then I questioned why instead of just letting my eating disorder completely beat me down like it did earlier. I talked myself down, it was hard but I did. I used a lot of negative statements like “I can’t eat this because I will gain weight” “Every time I eat this I hate myself” And that’s when I scared myself into where I was earlier today. Slowly wanting to kill myself because of a food.
So I was so annoyed by this I shut the door and just sat down. This is half the reason why I restrict because every time I eat anything I mentally kill myself. Its not worth eating when half of the time afterwards I am taking handfuls of pills, laxatives, or working myself dead. Food is terrifying when you know that torture comes afterwards so staring at it wouldn’t do anything, staring at it would lead to what I don’t want.
When I sat, I started thinking about what I want my body to be. As much as it sucks and hurts, I will never look the way I want to look, I will never be the size that I want to be, I will never be the weight I want to be and I will never be 100% of the person that I want to be. And that sucks. It sucks that I don’t naturally have that body and it sucks that I don’t have all these things I can’t have. It’s sad. There are things that everybody wants that are an impossibility, most of them don’t evolve into a disorder, but that’s normal. I have to learn how to grieve not having this body and I have to grieve that no matter what I do, I will never be the body that my eating disorder wants.
And I ate chips. These chips intentions were not to make me want to hurt myself. And feeding my body is going to keep me alive, not eating is going to kill me so I can try to achieve a goal that I will never be pleased with. So I have to learn how to find the mix of grieving, allowing myself to have other goals, and beat this.
It’s not like I am just sitting here in bliss. This bowl of chips is still making me extremely overwhelmed and I am not feeling too awesome but I am making progress. I am learning more to separate myself from the disorder. I am mad at the disorder for making me feel this way, I am mad this disorder almost made me kill myself today and many days in the past few months, I am mad that this disorder is making me take another year in school, I am mad that this disorder took away most of my family’s christmas, I am mad that this disorder has put me through unnecessary hell, I am furious that this disorder has taken away food, taken away friends, stolen opportunities and took away my ability to see what I really look like and forced me to look at this fatass that I see, I am mad that this disorder is probably what is going to kill me. Still not sure if I can, still not sure if I will beat this, but I felt like this was somewhat a step. Am I still hating myself for it? Yep. Is it still insanely hard to sit with? yep. Am I thinking about how tomorrow I am going to step on the scale and it is going to show me what I probably what I don’t want to see? You have no idea, but I still ate. It still sucks but I’m sitting with it, I’m not acting on all the things my eating disorder wants me to act on and tomorrow I get to say that for this bowl of chips, I won and my eating disorder lost. And I need all the wins I can get.