Hmmmm what to write
It is frustrating having the support I have here. I see people in treatment with parents who literally hold their child’s hand during PST, families that are all about family therapy, family that says the words eating disorders and reflects on their own actions to look for a way that they might be doing something wrong. It isn’t fair that I don’t have that, and it isn’t fair that when we talk about our support they are inferring family members and my family members aren’t the people for me. I just don’t understand what I did wrong for them to constantly invalidate me. Yesterday was a perfect example, yelling at someone for being upset over food because they have a serious eating disorder isn’t being selfish, it isn’t because I am mad over the food, it’s because it is genuinely terrifying. Also, when you see someone balling through a meal, you offer support, not criticism. You don’t say things that are like “get over it”, you talk about it, you applaud them, you show them their strength. A support person is meant to be there to make a person feel that they are important, that they are better than this disorder, and that you are more than just your weight.
I mean, how much more do I have to do to show that I am hurting. In no way am I saying that this was all to prove pain to my family, that is not it at all. What I am saying is my whole life they have seen my torture myself through self harm, through bad choices, and this eating disorder. You would think they would be like “hmm maybe I am not supportive” but no. It’s always on me. Like I said, I do not blame them for the all issues in my life, what I am saying is that I wish for once they would look at themselves and think that maybe they aren’t 100% treating me right. That has bothered me all day today. I shouldn’t have suicidal thoughts because of the people who are supposed to be there for me. I spend so much time trying to be this perfect girl that they want me to be, Sarah Gore never Sarah, and even still, it is like I am nothing.
Today was an overwhelming ED day. I am having a really bad body image day and because of my restricting, even with the chips, I am at my lowest weight ever and I still feel huge. God, what I would do to be smaller. I know that people tell you that once you reach a certain weight, it doesn’t change anything. But for some reason I get an overwhelming sense that if I just was smaller things maybe would get better. The thing that sucks about people knowing about my eating disorder is people call me out on it more. Not in charlotte, I could openly be purging and my parents wouldn’t blink an eye but at school, a lot of people who care about me know. And know that my weight is getting lower and my eating disorder is getting louder I don’t know what it is going to be like when I get back. Before I was a normal weight, but now I am underweight and when I have the opportunity, eating less. I wonder what people will do. Like during training, what the hell am I going to do? What’s going to happen if I get overwhelmed with food like I did yesterday afternoon and I have a breakdown? How do I explain that to people that do? So if I want to restrict or cry, i can’t do it in front of people. When you tell people that you are anxious so you don’t eat or you purge most people don’t take that well or don’t understand it. It’s good for them that they don’t understand because that means they have a healthy mind and I am jealous, but trying to explain to people that you don’t want to eat or how you are positive that eating just a cookie will make you fat is odd to most people.
I have eaten a lot today. Breakfast was normal, starch, fruit, 2 fats, and dairy, nothing new, but for lunch we had this huge fucking potato with cheese and broccoli and sour cream and a fruit and a dairy. Shit I learned about a potato is that no matter what and how much you eat it, it never ends. It was really funny during MST, my friend was like “That potato kept multiplying” and I swear to God that’s what it did. I debated having a supplement and opting out, but I figured since I have lost weight and I had to have two this morning that I was just going to finish it. Fucking potato.
God I wish I could just not eat. I hate eating. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Nothing feels better than a fast, nothing feels better than when the scale goes down or when your clothes become loose and nothing makes me feel more worthless than when I eat and my clothes get tight and the scale climbs to a higher number. Do you know what I would do to be perfect and small? It’s not about what I see in the magazines or shows or what society standards for me. I get this desire when I look at myself in the mirror and see this ugly, inferior person who has nothing else going for her but weight loss. Maybe my mind is distorted but I don’t want to stop until even my distorted mind can see the bones.
Tonight we also had this big family meal. I did try to restrict, I didn’t finish anything except my salad but I had two salads and 3 croutons which pisses me off. I got on the scale and it went up big time so all night I have been killing myself over the salads and the pieces of the meal I did it. I can’t believe I ate some dessert and fucking croutons. C’mon Sarah, you know better than that. i am about to be in Robbinsville eating the world and I can’t even diet for today. Fucking fuck.
Since Robbinsville doesn’t have wifi, this may be the last entry in a couple days. That makes me so sad because writing is very therapeutic for me but I hope that you have an amazing Christmas, remember Jesus isn’t real but the gifts you get are so enjoy that.
Jk, if Jesus is real to you, then He is real. Like Santa, but instead of flying reindeer, you can walk on a pond. Real to you.
Merry Christmas Bitches,
Wish me weight loss
PS, Will, we are half way to Tuesdays. Tell your family I said hello