One time in Florida

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Hello Friends.

I am not sober sooo yay

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If I lived at home, I would be an alcoholic. 

for those people I informed of the ‘situation’ at the frew today…. holy shit what a day. 

Do you ever have those moments where you just want to be someone else? Where you feel uncomfortable and pathetic just breathing for no other reason but because you are you. I had that feeling today, I think I am just very overwhelmed with the holidays and the fact that I am about to face huge triggers and fear foods. I just wish that I was away from this disorder, that I can be like everyone else. I want to wake up in the morning and truly like myself instead of wanting to die. 

I think I am getting really nervous about everything because my time in treatment is coming to an end. And this is it, I don’t get to do any more programs so this is where it ends for me. and I’m not better. I wouldn’t even consider myself in recovery. For some reason I can’t get over this and it is so embarrassing. I have to go back to school and tell everyone that I failed. That I am restricting, that I have anorexia (which I know that an ED is an ED and they are all very deadly and serious but anorexia is just more “woah” then bulimia. I think. I could be wrong. Maybe I am just scaring myself with my diagnosis), and that I have failed everyone. I am going to die, this is going to kill me and I don’t care. And it sucks, it is so embarrassing that I have disappointed so many people. I want to be someone else, I want to be smart, beautiful and a person people can look at and be proud of. I feel like I am only those things with my disorder. Today I got a marker and made lines and circles of all the parts of my body that need to be thinner. It’s like this disorder is the only real thing I know. I feel like the only way I will ever make anyone proud or do well is if I am thin. It’s just a nice go to, when you are sad, restrict, when you are worthless, restrict. It’s my friend, it’s consistent, I do not have a lot of consistency anywhere else. 

Hmmm. It’s weird writing because there are huge time differences from when you write one paragraph from another and y’all don’t see that so this probably comes out as one giant fuck.

It looks like we are spending christmas at home. My dad is too sick to go to Robbinsville. Am I bad for being happy about that? Whoops. My whole family is coming down here and my mom is really upset. She was crying and I held her for a bit. It’s hard to be the one holding your mother, ya know? She was really worried how mad my dad was going to be furious when he woke up in the morning, which he will be, and I was just like his response to your actions is not a reflection of who you are as a person. I didn’t really know what to say. 

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Somehow we got on the topic of my ED and she kinda blew it off. They just don’t get it and it’s so annoying. Like what the hell is so fucking hard about trying to understand your daughter? I just held your ass and let your cry and you’re an asshole to me? Cool bitch. Cool. Fuck it’s so annoying. 

So there is this new girl at PHP who just came from Florida. Actually there are a lot of new girls from Florida….’tis the season. Anyways during group ALLLLLLLLLLL she talks about is florida. Florida, florida, florida. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. So fucking annoying. “In Florida, we did this group like this” “In Florida” “One time in Florida”. It’s really comical for the people in PHP because we just want her to shut the fuck up. 

You went there for a reason, hunay. 

Oh myyy god I am so nervous to go back to school. I want to stay in my renfrew bubble forever and be safe. I just want everyone and everything to stop .

Balls.

Merry Christmas. 

Sarah 

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