Merry Christmas bitches, I hope your christmas is going swell ad you are enjoying your time with your loved ones.
The holidays can be an insanely triggering time for people with eating disorders. Christmas encourages binge eating or just normal eating with foods that are all fear foods, you try on new clothes and everyone judges whether it looks good or bad or whether it fits, and you have to look at the sizes of your new clothes and you are expected to smile with people you rarely see all year.
So that’s basically what today looks like.
I swear to you I am not an outwardly emotional person but since I spend most of my days this month in a chamber of feelings a lot of my time on the outside has been insanely emotional and there has been a lot of tears. A shit ton of tears. I just ate a cookie and I had a panic attack. i know that is what I am supposed to have and it is an exchange that I should be doing and if I want food, I need to learn how to just eat it.
I feel so fucking guilty. I am furious at myself for eating that damn cookie. I work so hard at losing and maintaining my weight and I fuck it up by fucking eat a cookie. I talk about how much I want be thin and then I do stupid shit like go and eat a cookie. I have no willpower or strength at all. I am so scared that I am going to back to school and gain so much weight because I have no self control. I need to focus on working out and toning, getting rid of problem areas and working on creating a body that will allow me to have a life that I want. I am just so madd. And I’m scared because I have no control anymore and it sucks.
And I know that I have already mentioned this but holy shit I am nervous about the week I get back. I feel like half of my anxiety I feel with the food that I am eating is from this because I barely have control now and I feel like the little control that I have will go to shit afterwards. All this food, surrounded by all these people who don’t know so I can’t cry or get mad or just isolate and I have to just go with the motions like everyone else. It’s like going 0 to 60 within days. Ughh I am so nervous.
I’m just frustrated. Everyone I see looks better than me and looks thinner than me and I hate it. I compare myself to everyone and when I see every person walk by all I can feel is people staring at all my flaws and I feel like every time I eat everyone is looking at me like “What the fuck is this fat ass doing?” and it’s terrifying. Just being around people is hard for me right now, it’s hard when you hate yourself so much and you are so envious of everyone else. I just feel huge. So huge and I want to be tiny. I want people to tell me how small I am because then I will be worth something because I did something right.
My Christmas wasn’t too bad. My dad was in a lot of pain and minus the cookie, I controlled myself very well. Plus I got a coffee maker and a heated blanket. That’s all I need in life. I have slipped pretty bad with my ED. I am symptom switching so i am doing a lot of food rituals, taking laxatives, and not meeting my exchanges. It’s really annoying and I know that you are probably reading this like Sarah what the fuck and it seems like I am not trying but I really am. It’s really hard, this process of changing so drastically like this is extremely difficult. I want to write how great I am doing but i just don’t feel like I can do this. I just don’t think I deserve all the things of recovery. I don’t see how I can ever love myself or how I can gain weight and not want to die. Beautiful people deserve life without an ed but people like me have to have one to keep up.
I am really happy that I am going to go to Renfrew tomorrow. We weren’t going to because we were going to be in Robbinsville but since my dad is sick everyone came to us. I need to be in as many safe spaces as possible and renfrew along with the people there is the safest thing that I have. I don’t feel crazy, I feel accepted and loved. Which is awesome. The girls here are incredible, I tweeted about how I was overwhelmed and 4 out of the 6 girls texted me almost immediately and gave me support. How fucking great is that? And I could tell them about how a cookie freaked me out, a concept that doesn’t make sense to someone without an ED, and they just gave me support. Fucking awesome.
I am really excited to smoke a cigarette. My parents need to go to bed.