only echoes in my mind
Everyone who has this link has already been informed on today and I have gotten many a lecture of disappointed friends as well as friends that were more upset than disappointed. So i am not going to go on about the meeting(s) I have had. I get it, I need to eat. Cool.
I’m not mad at anyone what so ever. At all. No anger. I just wish that people with eating disorders and people without an eating disorder could switch minds because i would love for some people to hear what was said to me with an eating disorder mind or just experience it. It’s not about the food, it’s not about a number, it’s not the calories or the scale or fats vs. starches. No, no that is not it at all. It’s about actions, it’s about using a maladaptive coping mechanism to deal with problems or issues instead of talking about them or feeling them. No matter what eating disorder, anorexia, ednos, bulimia or BED or chewing and spitting or whatever the fuck we are doing with food that is disordered. It’s all the same shit. Food is the symptom, not the main issue. This is not a disorder that I can eat my way through or a disorder or just recover or just do whatever it is people think I am supposed to do. If I knew the answer or the steps or what recovery looked like I promise you I would be all about it. Do you think I enjoy this? Do you think that I just love sitting here every fucking day writing about how I am losing to my eating disorder, knowing that I people that love me and support me and I can’t please them. All I fucking do is try to please people, it’s more important to me than anything in the world and what sucks is I can’t do this for other people I have to do this for me and doing something for me does not make sense. I don’t deserve it, I do not deserve what I am doing to people, I have lost this because recovering for someone else won’t work and I can’t do this for me.
Whoever is reading this, you are healthy. Enjoy being healthy, turn this off and go be with other people who are healthy. I am not healthy, let’s be real, I am not going to be healthy, and I don’t deserve healthies. I love you all with more words than I can explain, that’s why i am here because I want to please you and I can’t this time. This disorder found my weakness, which is fighting for myself, and I can’t fight that. You deserve to be with a healthy, to love a healthy and be a supporter of a healthy. Because when you say all these things to be I want to scream because I can’t do them. Although I would never wish this on anybody, I just wish that you all could see this from my shoes. I wish that you could see what it is like to have your mind scream at you, or to eat a bite of food that will leave you crying for hours, to lie to people when they ask you out to dinner and say that you have somewhere to go and you hide in your car for 2 hours or to be terrified that people will find your container of vomit in your room. Just to walk down a street and wanting to be everybody else walking past you, to have your body addicted to laxatives, or to have constant pain. Just to sit at a meal and people talking about the food is a huge fear. Imagine all your worth being a number and when it goes up all the feeling that you have been trying to hide go up along with it.
Like I said I’m not mad I just want people to understand that this is more than just learning to enjoy mcdonalds. I am not ready to face what I have been avoiding. Every comment, every action, every person that has left me, every mistake, every word that I have worked so hard with every purge, pill, or restriction has been carefully placed in a part that is not felt and I don’t want it to be. I done want to feel this.
I am sorry if this is making anyone upset, I just hate hearing how much people care and how little I can do. This disorder allows me to be the person who you befriended please just let me keep this one thing.