If I was Recovered I Would

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If I was recovered I would have friends again, not the kinds of friends that we just smile when we see each other but real friends. We could go places and go out to eat and I wouldn’t have to hide or take pills before food.

If I was recovered I could be in school and know that I would stay there.

If I was recovered I would make people proud because I beat this.

If I was recovered I would be able to go on dates.

If I was recovered my worth wouldn’t be a number or a size, it would be my qualities, my actions and who I was just being me.

If I was recovered I wouldn’t go to bed every night hoping I wouldn’t wake up and when I do wake up, I wouldn’t feel anxious about the hours ahead.

If I was recovered I could allow someone else to chose the restaurants

If I was recovered I could smile and truly mean it

If I was recovered I could walk into a store, a class, or anywhere really and not compare myself to every single person who I see.

If I was recovered I would have people want to hang out with me, not just to make sure I am not eating or purging

If I was recovered I wouldn’t be a burden to people, I wouldn’t make people worry, I would make people proud

If I was recovered I could live my own life, not have to worry about weight or being hospitalized or blood tests

If I was recovered I wouldn’t be costing my family thousands of dollars, I would be there for support not for help.

If I was recovered I could be 21, I could enjoy the things that I am supposed enjoy instead of hiding

If I was recovered I could eat what I wanted because I wanted it, not because of the calorie content or what components it is meeting, I could enjoy it for the taste, not feel guilty for enjoying myself. And I wouldn’t have to spit in my napkin or in the trash

If I was recovered I could walk into a room with food, like a buffet or a staff gathering, and not feel like I have already eaten the food. When I smell food, I wouldn’t feel like I was inhaling the calories or fear that I am going to be held down and forced to eat

If I was recovered I wouldn’t cry over food. I wouldn’t have to hide my tears or ask people what the food would be beforehand

If I was recovered I could promise you that I wasn’t going to die soon. I could tell you that I wanted to live, I could be a story of survival instead of this pathetic tale of the girl who just wasn’t enough.

If I was recovered I could be Sarah. I could enjoy my life and hope for a future because I would feel like I deserve a future.

But Im not. Im not Sarah, I am this eating disorder manifested in some one’s body. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I am supposed to get better because I don’t feel like I deserve all the things I have listed.

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