I have literally done nothing productive today. I have just sat and slept.
My dad was watching fox news today and I wanted to kill these bitches. It was this show called “The Five” and there was one girl on there that kept talking about the duck dynasty guy and if it wasn’t fox news I would think this bitch was being sarcastic with the things that she was saying because they were that ignorant.
I woke up this morning and got on the scale to see my lowest weight ever. I will not lie to you I was really happy when I saw it. Really happy. One shitty shitty shitty thing that I do is when I lose weight, I lose control of restricting and I binge. That’s why although I have had this disorder for quite a bit I have always been between 10 pounds until I started almost strictly restricting. But yeah, it was my lowest weight I have ever hit and I fucked it up. It all started with a cookie, then it went to bags and bags of chips, more cookies, hummus. I don’t know how to explain what a binge is like to someone, you are eating as fast as your mind is going. You don’t even taste the food, you are just eating and eating and eating and eating. During it, you know you are going to regret it but your urge to binge is louder.
Then it does end….and the real hell begins. Suddenly your mind is trying to figure out how to get rid of all this food. Purging was a bust because I lost my gag reflex, so I took handfuls of laxatives, diet pills, diuretics, I have ran, had tons of water to flush out my system. I feel like shit. I will never have the body that I want.
Why do I want this? Like why the hell do I want this eating disorder? I see all these people want recovery and are fighting and I am over here like “I’ll just have a water”. I hate my mind. I wish I wanted a life free from this but I don’t feel I deserve that life. That this is it, this disorder is just me, people like me more with it, I do better with it. This sounds fucked up but anorexia and bulimia are not done with me yet.
But hey, guess what I did?
I completed my social goal for the weekend. Before each weekend, we have to write our goals and shit, like a nutrition goal, a social goal, etc. and my social goal was to text someone first. I have been isolating all break, I don’t really text people first, I only hang out with frew friends, so my social goal was to text someone hello. And I did. We got as far as “How are you”‘s. turns out we are both good. So there, I never would’ve known that we were both in fact good.
I don’t have too much to say, I am not going to lie I am super pumped to be ditching this blog after next week. I feel like this has made my writing worse.
Who’s pumped for a cigarette? This bitch,