There’s gotta be something better than this

Standard

do you see the theme I am starting here?

So

Today was okay. If there is one thing that most people know not to do around me it is that you DO NOT say shit to me about Corin. Corin is the best this on this planet and if you find him annoying then I hate you. And his dad gets frustrated with him and sometimes snaps. I understand, i don’t know what it is like to have a son with special needs, but that is my best friend. Don’t complain to me about him. He called me today and was like “I can’t handle Corin today, please take him”. Um, can I keep him. 

Poor Corin, he just needs to repeat to calm down. I am my happiest when I am with him, he is all the wonderful things. We saw Frozen and when to Chilis. (not my choice, it is Corin’s favorite place) Yes, that is the worst places to go when you have an eating disorder. So we went to the movies, and I am planning on just giving corin popcorn and not eating it. Nope, I unknowingly picked the theatre that they serve fine dining and alcohol during your movie. I am just sitting there while corin is eating a sandwich and fries and the lady beside me was getting plastered. I couldn’t enjoy the movie because of the smell of all the food. The whole time I was debating whether I should eat or not at Chilis. My eating disorder was like no, it’s Chilis, gross and fattening. And in my mind, I just kept asking myself “What will skipping this meal give me? I will wake up maybe having lost weight, which would do what, give me a supplement while everyone becomes more and more concerned”. So when we went, I ate this low calorie thing. I kept telling myself, “This sucks, but every bite gets me closer to having a normal life, this bite sucks but it will lead to later bites that will be okay. Then I fucking up. After I ate, I purged for the first time in a month, took two laxatives and 3 diuretics. 

I am in a lot of pain.

God, I am stupid. What’s the point of this? What is the point of living when I am killing myself slowly. I am losing everything but the weight but I can’t stop. It gives me comfort with the consequence of my health, my career, and my social life. I can’t have friends with this disorder, I can’t be a student with this disorder, I can’t be a good employee with this disorder, I can’t be a girlfriend with this disorder, I can’t have kids with this disorder, and I can’t be the person I could be. But the disorder comes first, always. 

I know I have said it a million times, but I am so sorry. I am so so so so sorry I can’t be the person I should be. No matter what anyone says, this is a disappointing situation. 

Do you know what is more disappointing than me?

Having your phone die and having this song come on when you have to turn on the radio

I wanted to run into a tree. The Brady Bunch is so bad. I don’t understand the big deal. No, I don’t dig the sunshine.

Goodnight Friends

Sarah

 

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