Monthly Archives: January 2014

24A

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Sup bitches

I am in the air right now. Weeee. If for some reason you don’t know, I am on my way to  Remuda Ranch, a residential facility for eating disorders. It’s freezing in here. Another perk of anorexia, you are cold all the time. I’m hungry too but I refuse to eat until I am forced to. Nope. Enjoying every second of anorexia I can. 

I was all confident until now. What if I can’t do this? What if I am one of those girls who spends their life in and out of treatment centers? I have said this before, I am all about recovery minus the habit changes and the weight gain. Someone told me when you in recovery food won’t be as scary and you won’t even want to diet. What. I can’t imagine not dieting, I can’t imagine sitting down at a restaurant and ordering what you truly want, despite calories and fats. I went shopping for food at for this program that the RAs are programming and I saw the list that people created and I wouldn’t have eaten any of that. ever. I just can’t imagine that people don’t care about that shit. How can you not take diet pills, diuretics, laxatives, and appetite suppressants.  When I think recovery I think less strict dieting. I can’t imagine a life without having somewhat of a complicated relationship with food. 

Sweet balls it is cold on this plane

Mother fuckers

Oh my god I am going to rehab today. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I am nervous. If you can, you should text me this morning. I am bored and I need pals.

Love love

Sarah 

 

A day in the life

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It is so weird to me the most people don’t live this way. I’m happy for them, I really am, but whenever I begin talking about what a typical day for me is like I am speaking a foreign language. Anorexia, ednos, binge eating and bulimia are so much more than just skipping meals or vomitting or binging. So, so much more. It’s your life. Everything you do is controlled by this disorder. You’re eating disorder will make you believe that you are on a punishment and reward system. Lose weight then you will have friends. Purge this, then what he/she said won’t hurt, eat this and you won’t be sad. You have all these things that you truly believe you will get if you follow your disorder but spoiler alert, they never happen. It’s just punishment after punishment after punishment and you take it because you are holding out for the day when the scale says something and your satisfied.

So this is my day

I wake up, normally from a dream about my eating disorder and your first thought is go to the scale because, logically, you know that your TRUE weight is when you wake up. This won’t stop you from going on and off the scale throughout the whole day but you know that most likely your lowest will be when you wake up. As much as the anticipation is killing you, you have to go to the bathroom first to flush out anything so the scale will be lower. And then your pee is blue. Why? Because you’ve abused diuretics. You are also either shitting your brains on from the laxatives you have taken the night before or you aren’t shitting because you have lost the ability to use the restroom without laxatives. It’s so glamorous…so you go back to your room and take all your clothes off and get on the scale. One of three things happen. Your weight is the same as the day it was previously, you’ve lost weight, or you’ve gained. If you weight is the same, you go over and over how if you would’ve restricted just a little bit, it would be different and you are so pissed off at yourself because you could have been better. You didn’t have to take all those bites. If you’ve lost weight, you feel a second of joy. A little yay but then you want to do more. You set the next weight, and make your plan, and try to restrict more. And if your weight goes up, you are fucked. Your either cutting yourself or taking some sort of pill to make you thinner. 

Then you prepare for your day. You go over and over what you plan on eating. It’s all about food, your day is all about food. Avoiding food, stealing the food, making cup after cup of tea or coffee to fill you up. It gets to the point where I am too afraid to go in a place that smells like food because I was afraid to smell the calories. Too afraid that I will get a text asking me about food, too afraid that someone will say I have gained weight. Just scared all the time. You take out your measuring tape and measure your body, your thighs, your neck, your waist, everything. Then you go online and you try to figure out what those measurements mean. 

And your chest hurts all the damn time. All the time, it’s crazy. Especially when you eat or when you smoke. So does your stomach. Your hungry too and you don’t know if you like the feeling of hunger or if you are afraid of it because you know that hunger will given you a smaller number but hunger is annoying because food tastes so good. But once you do eat, you physically feel better but the guilt you feel is terrible. 

I was planning on writing more but I changed my mind. Just know this, I am not just skipping lunch, I am skipping my chance at having a life. This disorder is hell, everything about it is so terrible that you just want to die. You feel helpless, worthless and hungry all the time.

 

 

 

Small

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Many people don’t realize this, but I have a very short temper. When I order something and they get it wrong, I get so mad. I want to yell and scream. When I have to explain something twice or when something doesn’t go my way, I want to tell people how stupid they are or how they can’t understand what seems so simple to me. I don’t do the first thing my mind tells me to do, I normally repeat myself  or just stay quiet. I stay small. I spend my time making myself smaller so I can fit into the roles that people want to be in. I let people win by taking bullshit. They always win because I surrender. That’s okay because I have a disorder that lets me win. I can win against a bag of chips, I push them away so I don’t have to touch them. I can beat thai food because I don’t have to keep it like the way I keep everything that is told me. I purge it, I push the food away just like I wish I could push away the food. So the idea of recovering, of being small and having nothing to feel into that space.

I’ve hit a wall. Right now I am fighting a hersey kiss. A fucking hersey kiss. What I have used to cope has beaten me down into this pathetic person that has to unwrap hersey kisses with tears. I don’t know what to do. This disorder has taken everything from me. I am defenseless, a 21 year old that needs to be supervised while eating, a girl who is so dependent on everyone because I cant be independent with food. Do you know what it’s like when you have to forcibly turn the people you care most about, the people that you call your friends into your healers, your therapist, you doctor, your babysitters, and every role that they don’t deserve. I hate myself for this, i will never forgive myself for what I have done for this people that thought I was a good person, a good friend and an independent and responsible human being into a needy bitch who is weaker than a bag of chips or a piece of pizza.

To those people, I want you to know that I am sorry. I thought this would make me more lovable, make me more into a friend that you could be proud of but instead it has made me into this monster. I have lied to you, I have used you, I have put you in roles that you shouldn’t be in. I am so so sorry. You would benefit without me rather you realize it or not. i am bringing nothing but suffering into your life and it is time that I take a step back and allow you to be a friend to someone can be a friend back, nothing more.

It’s funny looking at the girl I used to be. My disorder wants to many things, it wants the thigh gap, it wants the scale to say 105, it wants me to not eat and it wants me to take laxatives or diuretics to get there. It tells me those are the things that make me happy. As vain as it may seem, I am looking through my Facebook pictures and I would never say that I was happy but I was happier. I look through these pictures and I see no prominent collar bone or thigh gap, no scars, no huge bruises from laxative abuse, I see a girl who is more than a goal of 105, who didn’t allow herself to be much but allowed herself to be wayyy more than a number on the back of a box or on a scale. I could be around friends…shit I could be a friend. Now I just hang around people while they smile and I judge their bodies compared to mine. So I see this girl, not perfect, not thin, but a girl who could function and act her age. I think that I can’t be happy if I am a weight or if I don’t look a certain way, but with every pound I lose I become more pathetic and when the things I swear will make me happy now are things that I didn’t have before and it was okay.

Don’t look at me as Sarah Gore. Don’t look at me as a college student or an RA or a friend. I am not. I am a sick girl who has a disorder that will kill her. I am a list of diseases and malfunctions, I am sizes, I am numbers, I am supplements, I am Anorexia, and I am Bulimia. I am not a human, I am a disorder. I am the girl who strives to find ways to hide and to not feel all the shit that has happened to her, I am the girl who benefits nobody. Please, I know I have disappointed you. I know that you are pissed, I know that you are looking at me like what the hell is she doing but it’s not Sarah. When I frustrate you, dont be mad at Sarah. Don’t be mad at me not eating. Be mad at all the things that it has turned me into. Be mad at my new identity, be mad at my disorder, not Sarah. You can’t be mad at someone who isn’t there.

If it takes dying to get there, so be it, at least I’ll get there

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It’s crazy that I might be going to Florida. Just the fact that I have been to some sort of Renfrew treatment. I saw thin when I was in high school and I remember thinking how sick these girls where and how I would never experience this hell and now, Florida seems like my only option.

Just the fact that I looked at my sheet today and it said Anorexia Nervosa is still unbelievable to me. Even when I was diagnosed with bulimia, the idea of Anorexia was so taboo and seemed so far away, like a goal that I could never achieve. I’m Sarah and I suffer from Anorexia Nervosa. I don’t believe it.

I used to watch this and what made it fascinating was how these girls would live. How they would go to days without eating or how you could but that much unto food would blow my mind because it didn’t make sense. Now I watch it because I feel like I am friends with these girls. Now I look at people who can just eat and it not bother them and that is what seems foreign to me.  Here am I up at school and I can be surrounded by supportive people or just people in general and they don’t understand. I am happy they don’t get it but at the same time it is so annoying. Dieting and losing weight is number one in my life, it goes before everything so when people tell me that if I don’t stop then x,y and z will happen I don’t think I have to shape up, I just think that those consequences are going to have to happen because I can’t live eating three meals a day, I can’t live without purging, I can’t live without calorie counting or getting on the scale. I can’t live without this disorder, this is the only thing that makes me feel worth something. I am no where that I want to be, I still have problem areas on my body, there are still so many things that I want smaller. It’s all I want. All I want is to be thinner, I don’t even have a goal anymore. My goal is to be so small that everyone notices, not being sick but being stunning because I am still disgusting. I know what is like to be 115 lbs, 120 lbs, 125 lbs, 130 lbs, 135 lbs, 140 lbs and it’s miserable. I don’t know what it is like to be 105 or 100 or 95 and maybe at those weights things will be different. I know that I am dying right now, but when my body was healthy, I wasn’t living either.

I am now one of the girls that if people saw the way I lived they would look at me the same way I used to look at these girls and that is what is so crazy to me. I am watching thin right now and I have been in community group and body image group and assertiveness group and all the fucking groups that are in this documentary. I used to watch this and these groups were just titles, just words that I would hear and now they have meaning to it because they are memories.

I really encourage you to watch thin if you haven’t seen it. Here is the link where you can watch it. Please, please do. Just to get an insight of what an eating disorder and treatment is like

So you want this?

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I just overheard someone earlier about how they wish they had the ability to not eat to lose weight.

Here’s the thing. You say you want this? I can tell you the height, bra size, bust waist hips measurements of almost any celebrity. I can tell you how many inches around my calves, my thighs, my arms, my wrists, and my butt. I can tell you the lowest weight and highest weight I’ve ever been to a decimal point. Connect the dots and climb the mountain and valleys that have controlled my life. I can tell you the calories in most food. I can tell you zero calorie foods and which help speed your metabolism till your heart is beating twice as fast. I can tell you how to exercise till you feel sick. I can tell you how to eat all the food you own. I can tell you about the sickening satisfying splash. Muddy rainbows in your toilet bowl. 

But I can’t tell you what it feels like to be happy. I can’t tell you what sexy feels like. I can’t tell you how to stop that evil voice of judgment once it gets inside your head. Barking out shallow obscenities about the people you love and more commonly yourself. BMI and waist hip ratio will be your only lovers. 
I can’t tell you what it feels like to eat with abandon. To eat till you’re satisfied. To not be afraid of food. What I can tell you is that it’s addicting. I can tell you it never goes away. I can tell you all about the control you think you have and how little control you actually have. I can tell you how your brain becomes consumed with the fake mantra “skinny or die”. I can tell you that you may die in the process. What I want to tell you is to never start. You’re beautiful, wonderful, magnificent! I want you to know that your outside is not everything. Your inside is important. Your brain, your heart, your soul are important. I want to tell you what they never told me, you’re beautiful with all your imperfections.

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21

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I find eating disorders hilarious

My body is a more of a child’s than a 21 year olds. I don’t have a real period anymore, and my heart rate as well as weight matches a person much smaller than me. My hormones are so out of whack so I have absolutely no sexual desire at all. The way I think is like a child, very black and white and egocentric in a reverse way. I know the world doesn’t revolve around me but I spend a lot of my time thinking of ways to hate me that I would never dream on anyone. My emotions are up and down and I can’t see past tomorrow. I am a child.

But at night, I have extreme night sweats like I am going through menopause. And if you know me, you know that I don’t sweat, like 10-20% of what most people would normally sweat because of a skin condition I have but because of my ed I now sweat through my clothes every fucking night. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and have to change. Thanks body. Then I wake up and see how much of my hair has fallen out and then I get to go take a shower where more hair falls out so I can get out of the shower and do my hair where once again, more hair falls out. Then I get to go throughout the day cramping, being sore, I have dental issues, liver issues, blood issues, all the issues. 

I am also an old man because I am addicted to laxatives 

I can’t be 21 though and thats what is hard about being at school. The people around me are in school, partying, having fun, dating, making normal life long regrets and here I am being everything but 21 and that’s what makes it lonely. I am dealing with a disorder and outside issues that force me to be an outsider, stuck with a starting date of 1992 but is constantly changing from age to age and my expiration date is coming closer than most 21 year olds. 

Nights and morning are the hardest for me. Like I said, each night I go through terrible night sweats so knowing that the next day I am going to wake up soaked, seeing my hair fall out and then having to go through the day facing meals, whether I skip them or not sucks. If I skip a meal then I feel pride with my ed but guilt with my logic because even though I can’t feel it or believe it, I have to focus on the neutral fact of if I keep going down this road I am going to end up where I am going, which is no where that I want to be. If I eat my ed spends the rest of the day screaming at me. Telling me that I am fat, worthless, pathetic, not worthy of anything, telling me that dying thin is better than being fat, and how weak I am for eating.

You are told your whole life that you will always find the biggest success when you follow your gut. What happens if  you gut turns into a disorder? What happens when your ‘gut’ tells you not to eat and to purge? What happens if your ‘gut’ tells you that you shouldn’t hang out with anyone because no one likes you? What happens when you ‘gut’ tells you that the way you are living will never get better and you are doomed?

An eating disorder can come into your life so seamlessly because it can tangle itself into every fucking thing you were told when you were growing up.

Eat when you are sad

Really? That’s eating on emotion so that’s disordered eating. 

You are going to have a big dinner/I had a big dinner, I need to skip the next meal

Really? Because your body doesn’t work that way. 

You are what you eat

I eat nothing because I am nothing

Follow your gut

I did and look at me now

Love your body vs. work on your body

I am totally down for loving your body but it’s funny how we hear a mix of that then we are so encouraged to work out and change our bodies. Pick a lane. If I love something then I don’t want to change it. I want to love it for all it’s good things and even the things I don’t like I love because it makes it what it is. That’s the definition of love.  And listen, I am the first person to tell you that weight, scales, calories, numbers is not the main issue, it is the symptom. Do I want to be thin? More than anything in the world. Am I ruining my body to get there? Yes. But no, I have never looked at a magazine and been like I am no longer eating. Actually it’s people who aren’t in magazines that are triggering but that’s another subject. 

I have my personal theory of eating disorders and where at least mine originated but so many times you see all these girls with so much potential go years with these disorders, whether binge, ednos, anorexia, bulimia, or orthorexia, and not even know it because it really does just make sense with what we are told. 

The diet companies make billions a year on weight loss products and what they are selling you will kill you but people buy into it. People search for answers to change their bodies. Listen, I have the answer, I can teach you how to do it, I have tips and tricks that could get you want weight you wanted faster than any diet or pill.  (Just as a side note, I will never ever tell or have told how I do what I do because I got mine from people that did and it ruined my life. I am not into giving thinspiration and I am not into thinspo and if you don’t know what that is, good. It’s a good thing you don’t. So if you don’t know me and you are reading this, I am NOT pro ana/mia.) But yeah, I have the solutions and what they are selling you is basically a pill version of what these people are buying into. We bought the disorder they sold. Shit, I bought the fucking deluxe set. 

I see you up there

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Today has sucked. Sucked sucked sucked sucked. 

I am just going to be honest, I have never thought about suicide more than today. I feel completely and totally hopeless. I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this. I am not living so why just pretending? I don’t want to be around anyone, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to watch tv, I don’t want to cut out shit, I don’t want to live anymore. I feel like I don’t even see color anymore, everything is just dull and grey. Every second hurts, it hurts to breath and it hurts to talk to someone. I am miserable. 

Today I purged tea

I hide over 75% of my lunch

I couldn’t walk up stairs because I was too weak

I had extreme cramps because Im not eating half of what I was supposed to 

I have had two people text me saying they are extremely concerned about me

My best friends from Renfrew are going to Florida and Im jealous because the world gets to stop for them. They can breath, they can focus on them, they can get nothing but help 24/7, they don’t have to be 21 or 14 or 19 or all the things that they were told they are, they get to be them, they don’t have to be a student or a daughter, they just get to focus on them. The world gets to stop for them and I have been running in circles for years begging for something to slow down but it just gets faster and their world gets to stop. No work, no parents, no school just a focus on recovery. I will never get that, I can never afford it. Everything is just getting faster and I am sick of running. 

I don’t want residents to move in. I don’t want to be around anyone. I am so sick of smiling and faking laughter and what the fuck am i supposed to do for meals. I can’t do this independently. 

This is one of the lowest lows I have ever experienced. I just want it to be over but I will wake up tomorrow and be cursed with life, another day of seconds, minutes and hours of mental torture. Then the next day, and the next until this disorder kills me. 

Im not going to attempt, this is just how I feel. I swear. Don’t freak out.