Tomorrow is my last day at Renfrew and I am scared shitless.
It just dawned on me that I will be saying goodbye to a group of girls that I truly don’t know if I will see again. Which, I guess you can argue that any time you say goodbye to someone you never really know, but this is different. We all have a deadly disorder that is killing us, some of the girls in the group already have severe medical problems and I don’t know if I will ever see them again because they may wither away and that’s so scary because I can’t save them. When you have an eating disorder, you feel so alone all the time whether you are in your room by yourself or surrounding by a crowd, you are all by yourself. And if you are lucky, you will go into treatment and meet people that are feeling and thinking the same shit as you are. It’s so refreshing because for the first time in a long time you feel like you are a part of something, a family or just a group of people that truly get it. Who know what it’s like to cry at meals, or know what it’s like to want to die and know what it’s like to feel so useless that you have nothing but a scale to define you. And you send every day with them and you see them struggle or have successes and you truly feel for these people. You relate to them in the weirdest way because instead of having interests such as bands or classes, your common ground is a disorder that has taken you to hell and your in treatment to try to get out of it.
So you feel for this girls because you see all these incredible qualities and all this potential and they are letting themselves die and I hate it. I have to say goodbye to the most incredible people and death is what may keep us apart and I have never experienced that with a friend before. I want them to see how much they don’t deserve this or how much they are worth but I can’t and I hate that. It makes you feel so helpless. How can you recover when you are with a group of ladies that deserve it more than you do and some of them will die before they allow themselves to see that.
That’s what makes leaving hard. I know I am going back to my ED and I know that the next week is going to be hell but the idea of leaving these people behind is harder.