I go to the boro again tomorrow. It’s funny, I left so afraid to come home but now I know that going back is probably going to be a mistake. I purged again tonight, I am so terrified to see where this disorder will take me. The only thing that excites me is the idea that I might be thinner. But if I get thinner then I am going to be pulled out of school so I don’t know.
I just saw the schedule for training and I am going to die. Monday lunch is Moe’s and dinner is China’s Best. I have already cried for a solid thirty minutes and that is just day one. Why would they do that? What does moe’s bring to the table? Fucking Moe’s. Then the next day it’s a deli bar (oh hey carbs and cheese) and then the EUC, which I guess I can do but not really.
I have somewhat of an idea of what I am going to do but I just feel like it’s going to be a roller coaster. What sucks is I have to be around while everyone eats and it is so embarrassing to be the only one that doesn’t deserve that food. They can eat it, I can’t.
I am just very anxious about it all. I don’t think I will be able to stay the whole semester to be honest, my eating disorder is really bad. I want to isolate more than ever and I am taking humiliating routes to lose weight or to not eat at all. My body is reacting pretty badly too.
What the hell am I going to doooooo?
OH Sarah is fucked