I am back in the boro and good news, I have only had two anxiety attacks while I was here.
It’s stupid because I feel so alone most of the time and I wonder why but I lock myself in my room so much and isolate from people of course they don’t want to be around me. I am just so terrified of food that I am so wrapped up in avoiding anything that goes around it which is being with people. I am so nervous that food will be involved when I am hanging out with people that I lie and I don’t do anything. I was asked to go out to eat with the other RAs and I had to lie and say I already ate. I hate that. I hate that so much. It’s funny because they texted me with such a kind intention but I took it as a threat. The reason why foods are called safe and unsafe is because when you get into an environment with no safe foods, you feel so anxious that you literally do not feel safe. You feel like that food is going to hurt you, not like a bruise, but the fear feels like it is really really going to hurt you. So when I get a text about going to east coast wings, instead of smiling and being like yay friend time, I get so fucking tense and I start crying because I feel like even stepping in there will kill me. I take it as a mean offense when people ask me to eat. Like they want to hurt me or something or they want to see me suffer. It has gotten to the point that when I can smell food, I feel like I am eating it. Like I am consuming calories by just it’s scent.
Once I got that text I lost it. I was so afraid but so mad at myself because I don’t deserve to have friends. I don’t deserve to go out to eat with them because I am too afraid. The world was meant for people without eating disorders, not for someone like me who has anorexia with purging tendencies. And what the fuck am I supposed to do tomorrow. I can’t get around eating three meals around people that for the most part don’t know, eating normally and there is going to be food talk and everything. I am crying even thinking about it. I want to hide and it just be me and my anorexia.
Second panic attack was when I ate dinner. I should’ve skipped this meal, I am so mad at myself for eating. But I had soup and I realized that it had more calories than I realized and I panicked. About twenty minutes prior I had someone comment and tell me that I looked great with all the weight that I lost over break. Which really isn’t too noticeable I don’t think, i think that once people learn about your ED they are very attentive to what you look like. She even said “Sarah, did you even go to the eating place? You look so great! I can tell you’ve lost weight”. My ED told me that I looked like shit when I was bigger, no one wants me to gain weight and I need to lose more to look better. So when I was eating, which was already a struggle for me, and I saw the calorie amount I felt my heart drop. How could I fuck up like that?
I think I am just on edge because I am so nervous about tomorrow. I think what is really making me crazy is knowing that tomorrow will be scary and I can’t do anything about it. I can’t restrict, I can’t express that I am feeling uncomfortable, and I can’t cry,
What the hell