Panic Attack 3
I am not okay here. I want to go back to the frew. Three meals tomorrow, I can’t cope. I can’t do this. I hate it because I have to pretend like I am okay and like I am a regular college student. Everyone is talking about their break and their problems and all I am thinking about is food. And I hate it
The same girl that told me I looked great came back and told me that I looked scary. My ED immediately took that as fat. She said my legs looked really tiny, which I think is funny because I feel like my legs are the fattest part of my body. People don’t realize that I literally cannot see what I look like. I have no idea. My biggest fear is what if I do recovery and I gain weight and I still can’t see what I look like. So I’ll be fat, thinking I look fatter, and I will have to go back to square one and lose the weight again and I don’t want to do that. I used to say that I wasn’t skinny because no one said I looked bad, but lately I have gotten the scary comments more and more. This just makes me more anxious and feeds my disorder more.
I hate this. What makes me feel comfortable is going to kill me.
It would be better if I could just stop and share what I am feeling or thinking but being here won’t let me do that. I have to be silenced once again and the only thing I can hear is my eating disorder.
I’m going to die.