Right now that is my biggest ritual. Tiny bite is 11 to 19 chews, small bite is 22 chews, medium bite is 43 chews, and large bite 54. Those are standard, not set. I chew until I am comfortable but I try to stick to those. I know that doing food rituals is bad but it is the only thing keeping me sane right now. I am eating everything in components, I am pausing between bites, I am observing the people around me and what they are eating, I calorie count with each bite and I cute my food a lot. I hate the fact that I ate 3 meals a day plus a supplement.
Food wise, today was very safe but I had to eat 3 meals and because of that I feel like I ate so much. I hate feeling big. Walking around feeling your body with every step and absolutely hating it. I know I signed a contact saying I couldn’t work out and do a lot of action BUT fuck that, once it gets warmer I am working out. I have to be smaller. I just feel so big and uncomfortable. I know it seems crazy for someone who is already underweight to want to lose more but I can’t stop. I don’t feel comfortable in my own body. I can’t sleep because when I sleep on my sides, I can feel my weight and it freaks me out, so I have to sleep flat on my back with no parts of my body touching but then when I do that all I think about is my problem areas so that freaks me out. Plus, all I am doing is planning the meal the next day only to dream about food. When I sit I have to constantly be moving to burn calories, I feel like everyone is judging me when I walk by, and my whole day revolves around anxiety for meal times. I am living in hell, if you were me, you wouldn’t want to eat or keep your food either.
This is going to sound sick but I am so so so so so excited to skip breakfast tomorrow. That relieves so much anxiety, you don’t even know. No food, no calories, hopefully a lower number on the scale. If you could see my smile right now…holy shit I am so excited.
And I can’t binge in between because there is a schedule so no food until 12.
Carbs are really freaking me out. They are having bagels tomorrow and a deli thing and I am not about that. I have to find other options for dinner and for lunch. I am being really safe and using rituals and I know that is really bad but I am trying to branch out and incorporate one thing that I normally wouldn’t incorporate in one meal. Like today I put cheese on my salad, I didn’t eat it all, but I put it on there so that’s a step.
I’m more anxious than ever. Today I went shopping with one of my staff members and looking at all the sizes was really terrifying and I was so anxious that I was shaking all over and I felt like I couldn’t breathe so I got a lot of clothes so my coworker wouldn’t be suspicious and just went to a changing room and didn’t try anything on and just sat there and shook.
Still the idea of being back makes me so nervous. I don’t think that I am ready for class or anything else. This disorder is so massive that I can’t see anything else.