I see you up there

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Today has sucked. Sucked sucked sucked sucked. 

I am just going to be honest, I have never thought about suicide more than today. I feel completely and totally hopeless. I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this. I am not living so why just pretending? I don’t want to be around anyone, I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to watch tv, I don’t want to cut out shit, I don’t want to live anymore. I feel like I don’t even see color anymore, everything is just dull and grey. Every second hurts, it hurts to breath and it hurts to talk to someone. I am miserable. 

Today I purged tea

I hide over 75% of my lunch

I couldn’t walk up stairs because I was too weak

I had extreme cramps because Im not eating half of what I was supposed to 

I have had two people text me saying they are extremely concerned about me

My best friends from Renfrew are going to Florida and Im jealous because the world gets to stop for them. They can breath, they can focus on them, they can get nothing but help 24/7, they don’t have to be 21 or 14 or 19 or all the things that they were told they are, they get to be them, they don’t have to be a student or a daughter, they just get to focus on them. The world gets to stop for them and I have been running in circles for years begging for something to slow down but it just gets faster and their world gets to stop. No work, no parents, no school just a focus on recovery. I will never get that, I can never afford it. Everything is just getting faster and I am sick of running. 

I don’t want residents to move in. I don’t want to be around anyone. I am so sick of smiling and faking laughter and what the fuck am i supposed to do for meals. I can’t do this independently. 

This is one of the lowest lows I have ever experienced. I just want it to be over but I will wake up tomorrow and be cursed with life, another day of seconds, minutes and hours of mental torture. Then the next day, and the next until this disorder kills me. 

Im not going to attempt, this is just how I feel. I swear. Don’t freak out. 

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