21

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I find eating disorders hilarious

My body is a more of a child’s than a 21 year olds. I don’t have a real period anymore, and my heart rate as well as weight matches a person much smaller than me. My hormones are so out of whack so I have absolutely no sexual desire at all. The way I think is like a child, very black and white and egocentric in a reverse way. I know the world doesn’t revolve around me but I spend a lot of my time thinking of ways to hate me that I would never dream on anyone. My emotions are up and down and I can’t see past tomorrow. I am a child.

But at night, I have extreme night sweats like I am going through menopause. And if you know me, you know that I don’t sweat, like 10-20% of what most people would normally sweat because of a skin condition I have but because of my ed I now sweat through my clothes every fucking night. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and have to change. Thanks body. Then I wake up and see how much of my hair has fallen out and then I get to go take a shower where more hair falls out so I can get out of the shower and do my hair where once again, more hair falls out. Then I get to go throughout the day cramping, being sore, I have dental issues, liver issues, blood issues, all the issues. 

I am also an old man because I am addicted to laxatives 

I can’t be 21 though and thats what is hard about being at school. The people around me are in school, partying, having fun, dating, making normal life long regrets and here I am being everything but 21 and that’s what makes it lonely. I am dealing with a disorder and outside issues that force me to be an outsider, stuck with a starting date of 1992 but is constantly changing from age to age and my expiration date is coming closer than most 21 year olds. 

Nights and morning are the hardest for me. Like I said, each night I go through terrible night sweats so knowing that the next day I am going to wake up soaked, seeing my hair fall out and then having to go through the day facing meals, whether I skip them or not sucks. If I skip a meal then I feel pride with my ed but guilt with my logic because even though I can’t feel it or believe it, I have to focus on the neutral fact of if I keep going down this road I am going to end up where I am going, which is no where that I want to be. If I eat my ed spends the rest of the day screaming at me. Telling me that I am fat, worthless, pathetic, not worthy of anything, telling me that dying thin is better than being fat, and how weak I am for eating.

You are told your whole life that you will always find the biggest success when you follow your gut. What happens if  you gut turns into a disorder? What happens when your ‘gut’ tells you not to eat and to purge? What happens if your ‘gut’ tells you that you shouldn’t hang out with anyone because no one likes you? What happens when you ‘gut’ tells you that the way you are living will never get better and you are doomed?

An eating disorder can come into your life so seamlessly because it can tangle itself into every fucking thing you were told when you were growing up.

Eat when you are sad

Really? That’s eating on emotion so that’s disordered eating. 

You are going to have a big dinner/I had a big dinner, I need to skip the next meal

Really? Because your body doesn’t work that way. 

You are what you eat

I eat nothing because I am nothing

Follow your gut

I did and look at me now

Love your body vs. work on your body

I am totally down for loving your body but it’s funny how we hear a mix of that then we are so encouraged to work out and change our bodies. Pick a lane. If I love something then I don’t want to change it. I want to love it for all it’s good things and even the things I don’t like I love because it makes it what it is. That’s the definition of love.  And listen, I am the first person to tell you that weight, scales, calories, numbers is not the main issue, it is the symptom. Do I want to be thin? More than anything in the world. Am I ruining my body to get there? Yes. But no, I have never looked at a magazine and been like I am no longer eating. Actually it’s people who aren’t in magazines that are triggering but that’s another subject. 

I have my personal theory of eating disorders and where at least mine originated but so many times you see all these girls with so much potential go years with these disorders, whether binge, ednos, anorexia, bulimia, or orthorexia, and not even know it because it really does just make sense with what we are told. 

The diet companies make billions a year on weight loss products and what they are selling you will kill you but people buy into it. People search for answers to change their bodies. Listen, I have the answer, I can teach you how to do it, I have tips and tricks that could get you want weight you wanted faster than any diet or pill.  (Just as a side note, I will never ever tell or have told how I do what I do because I got mine from people that did and it ruined my life. I am not into giving thinspiration and I am not into thinspo and if you don’t know what that is, good. It’s a good thing you don’t. So if you don’t know me and you are reading this, I am NOT pro ana/mia.) But yeah, I have the solutions and what they are selling you is basically a pill version of what these people are buying into. We bought the disorder they sold. Shit, I bought the fucking deluxe set. 

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