If it takes dying to get there, so be it, at least I’ll get there

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It’s crazy that I might be going to Florida. Just the fact that I have been to some sort of Renfrew treatment. I saw thin when I was in high school and I remember thinking how sick these girls where and how I would never experience this hell and now, Florida seems like my only option.

Just the fact that I looked at my sheet today and it said Anorexia Nervosa is still unbelievable to me. Even when I was diagnosed with bulimia, the idea of Anorexia was so taboo and seemed so far away, like a goal that I could never achieve. I’m Sarah and I suffer from Anorexia Nervosa. I don’t believe it.

I used to watch this and what made it fascinating was how these girls would live. How they would go to days without eating or how you could but that much unto food would blow my mind because it didn’t make sense. Now I watch it because I feel like I am friends with these girls. Now I look at people who can just eat and it not bother them and that is what seems foreign to me.  Here am I up at school and I can be surrounded by supportive people or just people in general and they don’t understand. I am happy they don’t get it but at the same time it is so annoying. Dieting and losing weight is number one in my life, it goes before everything so when people tell me that if I don’t stop then x,y and z will happen I don’t think I have to shape up, I just think that those consequences are going to have to happen because I can’t live eating three meals a day, I can’t live without purging, I can’t live without calorie counting or getting on the scale. I can’t live without this disorder, this is the only thing that makes me feel worth something. I am no where that I want to be, I still have problem areas on my body, there are still so many things that I want smaller. It’s all I want. All I want is to be thinner, I don’t even have a goal anymore. My goal is to be so small that everyone notices, not being sick but being stunning because I am still disgusting. I know what is like to be 115 lbs, 120 lbs, 125 lbs, 130 lbs, 135 lbs, 140 lbs and it’s miserable. I don’t know what it is like to be 105 or 100 or 95 and maybe at those weights things will be different. I know that I am dying right now, but when my body was healthy, I wasn’t living either.

I am now one of the girls that if people saw the way I lived they would look at me the same way I used to look at these girls and that is what is so crazy to me. I am watching thin right now and I have been in community group and body image group and assertiveness group and all the fucking groups that are in this documentary. I used to watch this and these groups were just titles, just words that I would hear and now they have meaning to it because they are memories.

I really encourage you to watch thin if you haven’t seen it. Here is the link where you can watch it. Please, please do. Just to get an insight of what an eating disorder and treatment is like

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