It is so weird to me the most people don’t live this way. I’m happy for them, I really am, but whenever I begin talking about what a typical day for me is like I am speaking a foreign language. Anorexia, ednos, binge eating and bulimia are so much more than just skipping meals or vomitting or binging. So, so much more. It’s your life. Everything you do is controlled by this disorder. You’re eating disorder will make you believe that you are on a punishment and reward system. Lose weight then you will have friends. Purge this, then what he/she said won’t hurt, eat this and you won’t be sad. You have all these things that you truly believe you will get if you follow your disorder but spoiler alert, they never happen. It’s just punishment after punishment after punishment and you take it because you are holding out for the day when the scale says something and your satisfied.
So this is my day
I wake up, normally from a dream about my eating disorder and your first thought is go to the scale because, logically, you know that your TRUE weight is when you wake up. This won’t stop you from going on and off the scale throughout the whole day but you know that most likely your lowest will be when you wake up. As much as the anticipation is killing you, you have to go to the bathroom first to flush out anything so the scale will be lower. And then your pee is blue. Why? Because you’ve abused diuretics. You are also either shitting your brains on from the laxatives you have taken the night before or you aren’t shitting because you have lost the ability to use the restroom without laxatives. It’s so glamorous…so you go back to your room and take all your clothes off and get on the scale. One of three things happen. Your weight is the same as the day it was previously, you’ve lost weight, or you’ve gained. If you weight is the same, you go over and over how if you would’ve restricted just a little bit, it would be different and you are so pissed off at yourself because you could have been better. You didn’t have to take all those bites. If you’ve lost weight, you feel a second of joy. A little yay but then you want to do more. You set the next weight, and make your plan, and try to restrict more. And if your weight goes up, you are fucked. Your either cutting yourself or taking some sort of pill to make you thinner.
Then you prepare for your day. You go over and over what you plan on eating. It’s all about food, your day is all about food. Avoiding food, stealing the food, making cup after cup of tea or coffee to fill you up. It gets to the point where I am too afraid to go in a place that smells like food because I was afraid to smell the calories. Too afraid that I will get a text asking me about food, too afraid that someone will say I have gained weight. Just scared all the time. You take out your measuring tape and measure your body, your thighs, your neck, your waist, everything. Then you go online and you try to figure out what those measurements mean.
And your chest hurts all the damn time. All the time, it’s crazy. Especially when you eat or when you smoke. So does your stomach. Your hungry too and you don’t know if you like the feeling of hunger or if you are afraid of it because you know that hunger will given you a smaller number but hunger is annoying because food tastes so good. But once you do eat, you physically feel better but the guilt you feel is terrible.
I was planning on writing more but I changed my mind. Just know this, I am not just skipping lunch, I am skipping my chance at having a life. This disorder is hell, everything about it is so terrible that you just want to die. You feel helpless, worthless and hungry all the time.