Today was a very emotionally draining and difficult day. Sometimes I feel completely stuck being at the place I am. Sitting where I am sitting, every damn day, watching all my friends live life and I get down on myself. Why does this have to happen to me? Why did I have to cope like this and not like everyone else? Everyone else has struggles, but why do mine take me out of school? Before I knew it, I was having a major crying fit. Being as cool as I was, I was having a mental breakdown while still playing my frozen app on my phone. Just a side note for ya.
As much as I hate to admit it, I really can throw some boss ass pity parties. In fact, I am so talented at throwing them, Kim Kardashian even asked me to be her pity party plan with she got divorced from that kris dude. True story 🙂 But yeah, it’s so easy for me to focus on what I can’t have. I can’t be at school right now, I can’t get a job, I can’t fit into all my old clothes, I can’t just be normal and not eat because I am truly not hungry. I can fill so many buckets with all the “I can’t’s” I have in my life right now and today I did. Before I knew it, twenty minutes had gone by of me sobbing and basically my whole day was wasted on being angry my life.
So then I was like fuck this bullshit, my parents are coming home in about ten minutes and I am not about having to tell them what is wrong (since I’ve been back they’ve been all “Is that a frown? share feelingsssss” Which is awkward and I’m not about that. Thanks Anorexia, you little bitch). So I knew I had to compose myself but that’s tricky because I didn’t want to distract myself from what I was actually feeling, since not acknowledging my emotions got me in trouble in the first place. So, I decided that I was going to say all the things I am grateful for and hope that maybe, possibly, it might work.
I am grateful that I realized that there is a huge difference between Sarah and Anorexia
I always thought that my disorder and I went hand in hand. I am not saying I am a complete believer in the twelve steps but realizing that I am powerless of my eating disorder and truly believing it was when my recovery really started clicking. I have no control over Anorexia, that’s what got me here in the first place but I do have control in my recovery, in my happiness, in my life and I am so goddamn grateful that I know that. I have spent my whole life thinking I was one thing and completely embodied all my mental health disorders and my past trauma, and now knowing that I don’t have to do that, that I can just be me is so liberating.
I am grateful that I am not as sick as I once was
It’s hard to see progress sometimes, I can be so freaking hard on myself and focus on how much more I have to do and not give myself the mega kudos for all the progress I have made. Being at Renfrew allows me to see that although I am not 100% where I could be, I am not crying over almonds like I once was. I know that I have a problem and I know that I am not going back. Well, I take that back. I don’t want to say ‘never’ but I do know in this moment, I have more of a desire to recover and I want it so badly.
I am grateful that I know how to make all the ‘I can’t’s’ temporary
No, I do not have the rule book on how to recover but I do know that to get the things that I want, like trust, independence, an education, friendships, relationships, a job, etc., I have to keep working at my recovery and I will get those things and maybe more. I know that this feeling of being 21, living at home, unemployed, in almost 6 months of treatment, is only a temporary thing if I let it be. Before, I would just go back to my eating disorder thinking that I can have it all. School, happiness, success, beauty. I’m just going to tell on ED right now and let you know you can’t have shit with an eating disorder.
I am grateful that I have made it through all the bullshit that got me to where I am
I can’t explain how hard it was to pack up my dorm room, to tell everyone, to go through the beginning mental and physical hell of the first processes of treatment, and all the other events in my life that manifested into Anorexia. Those things are over which gives me relief as well as a lot of courage. I don’t have to live those days again if I keep working. Praise!
I am grateful for all my support. I am grateful that I am well enough to acknowledge that
Truly, some sort of God or spaghetti monster gave me the best group of woman to recover with. The woman that I have met in this journey have taught me so much about myself, friendship, recovery, life, etc., and I can bible that I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them. And for the people that have been there for me as support, I can’t go into the amount of gratitude I have for every phone call, letter, package, hug, and encouragement that I have been given. I am so happy that my mind is clear enough for me to see how lucky I am that people care. I kept every letter and every gift. I have some awesome people in my life.
I am grateful my body didn’t get to where my mind wanted it to
I am not saying that my body let me off scotch free, because trust me, I was sick in plenty a ways but I am so happy that my eating disorder didn’t go all the way that, honestly, it should have gone. I am so lucky. I am so so so so so so so so so lucky.
I am grateful the weight gain part is over
So once I kept saying those over and over my mind began to shift. I was able to see hope again, to feel happiness again, and to feel worthy of recovery. As I heard my parents come up the driveway I just repeated the wisdom of secular serenity (aka the serenity prayer for atheist) over and over until I felt at peace.
Through my efforts,
I gain the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can and
The wisdom to know the difference
Doing this really helped me. Am I still a bit bummed at where I am right now? Hell yeah. That didn’t change, I acknowledge the things that suck but doing this made me realize that if I refuse to acknowledge the things that I have then I can’t live life. Goddamnit, I am straight up over all this hating myself bullshit.
🙂 Best thing about recovery: rediscovering my love for RuPaul’s Drag Race
Sorry for any typos, I was too busy being grateful and shit to proof read