Monthly Archives: April 2014

What you think of me is none of my business

Standard

On most days, that is an affirmation is easy to say to myself but on days like today, it is really hard to not think other’s perception of my isn’t reality. I like helping people, I mean, I have Anorexia, it’s a caretakers disorder. Especially when it comes to others who are in their disorder. In away, I want to say something that makes girls want to stop before they get to where I was which was a girl who was half dead, threatened a tube, and lost everything and even then it took months for me to make the connection that this whole slow suicide thing wasn’t a good time. Before I went to inpatient, I had only seen extreme pictures of eating disorders on the internet and when I first entered PHP, I wasn’t at my sickest and I came to the conclusion that I was never going to get super thin or sick.

Then I crashed…and burned…..

Anyways, I want to share my story of myself and what Ive seen. I want to show people this disorder will take you exactly nowhere and getting sicker doesn’t mean that you are better. As I believe I have mentioned before, Anorexia is a competitive little bitch. You have to be the best, the thinnest, the strongest, and, as sad it may seem, the sickest. I guess since I am not in that place anymore, I forgot that saying all that I had lost would get those who are still full fledged her disorder would make them feel as though I was being boastful and that I thought that since I was once sicker, I think that they are just pathetic or something. Which is not what I am saying at all. I just don’t want them to think I am apart of their game. I did not put my name in the goblet of fire, I am not playing dolls. And if you hate me because I almost died of a disorder while you aren’t there yet, then please, keep going. Me being alive is something to celebrate not cut down. 

So yeah

I don’t have to much to write. I am going to Greensboro tomorrow and I am freaking the fuck out. It’s so nerve racking. What if they make body comments? What if it makes me more depressed since I see people at college while Im at home being yelled at because I had to go to inpatient? What if, what if, what if. There are so many questions that I have been obsessing over but I have to let it go. Whatever happens, tomorrow at this time, I will have answers, I will be stronger and I will have lived another day.

I got this

Image

 

Advertisements

What does thin have to do with it?

Standard

Today, in group we had to write the first thing that comes to mind when we say “I am…”, the response within the group was mixed, some of the ladies had all words that reflected some serious self hatred, some were in between, and others were positive. There is one girl, I’ll call her Maxwell, that is 14 and is completely consumed in her disorder. Hearing Maxwell makes me realize how sick this disorder makes you. She say she was “annoying, worthless, not worthy”. When she said that something clicked with me. I asked her why she wanted to be thin. I personally believe she is worth so much more than what she sees but if for some reason what she says is true, what will thin do if she is all those negative things? I mean, whether you are 70 pounds or 700 pounds, if you suck, no amount of dieting will change that. If anything, the more malnourished you are, the more

And she said “Well if I am thin, none of it will matter”

It’s crazy but I have lived by that idea for years now, in fact, it is a daily struggle deciding if I want to believe that eating disorder lie or not and to be honest, a lot of the time, I kind of believe that. My symptom use is still pretty low and I am trying but my eating disorder is still loud, it still screams at me daily telling me what a disgrace I am for looking the way I do and somehow, if I lose weight everything will be better. My eating disorder tells me if I go back to it, things will be different, we know what will get me in trouble so we will just avoid it. As hard as it for me to say that reality is a lie. 

I am going to Greensboro Wednesday and all I can think about is how everyone is going to see me as this huge blob. It’s embarrassing enough being here and not there so going there, in my disordered mind, fat, it will be even more embarrassing. I know I am probably wrong, but what if I am right? I mean, there have been girls who I knew when they were full fledged in their disorder and saw them in recovery and I did immediately notice that weight gain. How am I any different? And everyone knows, everyone knows, where I have been and why. Plus, what will I talk about? It’s just so overwhelming and I would do anything to numb out.

In a stupid moment, I took some laxatives. If anything, it took my body back to a place that I never wanted to go again. This is uncomfortable. Not doing this again.

I have made it through so much in my course of treatment, I can do this. These are the make or break moments and I really hope I do more good than harm.

I just have to keep reminding myself, thin has nothing to do with this

One day, one meal, one bite at a time.

tumblr_m9s7azdxCt1rw4v28

Make good choices

Sarah

Because I got high

Standard

 

Image

oh look, these cats have more of an exercise clearance than I do. Super duper. 

Today I had a bit of a setback. I restricted today and skipped two meals and let me tell you, it felt really really good. Anorexia is my drug and believe it or not, I do get a high from it. I have been pretty down and anxious the past few days because of my weight and the idea of going to visit my college town and everyone seeing how much bigger I am. Rationally, I know that people aren’t going to judge me for my weight, but that doesn’t mean I am not scared out of my mind. I am struggling with the changes in my body and since I am still getting used to this whole normalized eating thing, anytime I am eating I feel out of control so today when I was offered lunch, I did the classic “I’m eating at a friends house” thing and skipped it. As much as hunger hurts for others, it makes me feel invincible. Today was the first time in months I felt in control, strong, and numb from all emotions. My mind didn’t obsess over the all the chaos in my life. I wasn’t wondering about my insurance or school or my money situation, my focus was on the possibility of losing weight and obsessing over all the food I saw on television and obsessing over when I was going to eat and how long I was going to starve. It felt really good, I am not going to lie. 

I knew I couldn’t keep going with this, so I caved for dinner and ate, safe food with every food ritual known to man, but I ate and holy crap, suddenly the struggle of eating was so much harder than it was when I was consistently following my meal plan. My mind was right back where it was months ago, obsessing over and over about weight, the scale, calories, how quickly I could lose weight, hating every inch of my body and obsessing over what food I should eat next. 

I did this to myself, I knew what restricting would do. I felt great but now the come down of this high is putting me in mental hell. All the struggles are amplified and I feel like I have taken about seventy steps back. Now I have to try to get back on my feet which I am now realizing more and more that this is going to be hell. My mind is so focused on restricting and how to find a loop hole through being forced to eat. Ughh, what have I done? I truly understand the expression “You don’t want to live this day twice” because I have worked my butt off to get to the mental place that I was at and now I am back to living the days where I am cutting up my food, submitting to the voice in my head that is telling me I am nothing without being thin, hating my body and feeling worthless at this weight. I am living the days of my deep Anorexia twice. 

And it sucks. I want to restrict, I want to keep going, I want to be thin and I know what mentally hell is coming my way with the next few meals. Now that I am down, i am afraid that Anorexia is going to win again and right now, as much as I hate to admit it, I am okay with that. I know that I need to go back and I am going to work my butt off to get back to where I was because although it felt really good today, I know where this is going to take me and I don’t want to be that Anorexic girl with no hope.

So this is why you should stay away from getting high off of starving, back to square one. I refuse to be hopeless yet

Make good choices and if you are recovering, remember to trust the process. We all know where our eating disorders will take us but join me in trusting the unknown joys of recovery.

Image

Love love my dears

Sarah 

Poisoned Perfection

Standard

Many people who suffer from Anorexia are perfectionist. We want to be the smartest, the skinniest, the prettiest, the best at everything we do. This makes us insanely competitive with other people, always striving to be better than anybody and essentially better than ourselves. I don’t one to speak for everyone with Anorexia but I was always very sly about it. I could put on a normal face, seem friendly but I was constantly sizing everyone up and down when it came to every miniature detail about them. How they ate compared to me, what they ate compared to me, what they wore compared to me, how they presented themselves compared to me, etc. That sounds like I thought I was better than people which is false. In almost all my comparisons the other person one, I was never enough so I kept striving for the number or size that would finally make me feel that I was worthy. Minus jugglos, whenever I compared myself to them, I always won. But, I mean, jugglos < anyone.

Jennifer-lawrence-angry-gifs-wallflower-mario

So since I made the decision to try out recovery, I have slowly began to feel more and more to be inclined as the perfect role model of happiness and an anorexia free life. I kind of predicted this would happen if everyone found out, which thanks to my parents and an email everyone knows where I am and why and this strive for being perfect in recovery got worse when I started Renfrew. I was back where I started in December but, as my ED would put it, fatter and suddenly I realized that I was no longer the best Anorexic there because I wasn’t striving for it like I used to be but now I knew I didn’t want to be where some of the patients were so I put myself in a a role model position. I had to be the best, I had to be motivating to other, I had to stop symptoms, I had to be perfect, happy, beautiful all the things I wanted from Anorexia but with different steps to hopefully receive the same results.

I am still really insecure about my body so I guess my mind made the connection that if you don’t talk about how you used to be and how happy you are now, everyone is just going to be disgusted by the weight. If you are a recovery ‘warrior’, everyone will think you are perfect and be so impressed they won’t notice the weight.  I will admit, putting such harsh expectations has been helpful, I have been sober from my eating disorder practices because I have an actual goal to strive for and my mind is in a bit better place.

But I am still in my eating disorder. Lying and manipulating people into trying to control their opinions on you as perfection is your eating disorder. My eating disorder wants me to be perfect and since it has kinda gotten the hint that the whole starving thing isn’t going to happen anytime soon, it’s shifted into working itself into the situation. I would use the competitive nature of my eating disorder as a means to numb out and now I am doing the same. The more and more I see photos of people going to things that I wouldve been going to if it wasn’t for my eating disorder, the more I want to show everyone who is there that I am perfect. Because in my mind, it’s not as pathetic as being 21, everyone knowing you went to rehab, people having to replace you, having to purposely monitor yourself because I am the odd 1% that can’t just follow my instinct because my ‘gut feeling’ is to this voice that tells me constantly that I need to feel thin to feel alive. When in reality, what’s stopping me from living at this current weight? I am using this perfect goal to numb out, to somehow maladaptively cope with the loneliness of what is going on in my life right now. When in reality, I need to face it, acknowledge it, be grateful for what I have and then keep working on me.

I don’t want you to think that this has all been a lie. I haven’t been in recovery as a lie and I am completely honest with how I am dealing with my struggles and admitting to my setbacks but what has been skewed is why I want this. I shouldn’t want recovery with any other hopes of impressing those at school and girls still in their disorder. It is not my job to be some beckon of hope to others, it is not my job to be the girl who is always going to do well. This is not a race, what you want your end result in recovery to be is completely different than mine so why I am already trying to get people to bet on who is going to win the race. We aren’t even in the same track!

 

 

tumblr_m15ibsTfMX1qa6lp8

 

 

gif’s are fun when you are sad because you have no friends here

wahhh

okay, Im done.

Make good choices

Sarah

Attitude of Gratitude

Standard

 Today was a very emotionally draining and difficult day. Sometimes I feel completely stuck being at the place I am. Sitting where I am sitting, every damn day, watching all my friends live life and I get down on myself. Why does this have to happen to me? Why did I have to cope like this and not like everyone else? Everyone else has struggles, but why do mine take me out of school? Before I knew it, I was having a major crying fit. Being as cool as I was, I was having a mental breakdown while still playing my frozen app on my phone. Just a side note for ya.

As much as I hate to admit it, I really can throw some boss ass pity parties. In fact, I am so talented at throwing them, Kim Kardashian even asked me to be her pity party plan with she got divorced from that kris dude. True story 🙂 But yeah, it’s so easy for me to focus on what I can’t have. I can’t be at school right now, I can’t get a job, I can’t fit into all my old clothes, I can’t just be normal and not eat because I am truly not hungry. I can fill so many buckets with all the “I can’t’s” I have in my life right now and today I did. Before I knew it, twenty minutes had gone by of me sobbing and basically my whole day was wasted on being angry my life. 

So then I was like fuck this bullshit, my parents are coming home in about ten minutes and I am not about having to tell them what is wrong (since I’ve been back they’ve been all “Is that a frown? share feelingsssss” Which is awkward and I’m not about that. Thanks Anorexia, you little bitch). So I knew I had to compose myself but that’s tricky because I didn’t want to distract myself from what I was actually feeling, since not acknowledging my emotions got me in trouble in the first place. So, I decided that I was going to say all the things I am grateful for and hope that maybe, possibly, it might work.

I am grateful that I realized that there is a huge difference between Sarah and Anorexia

I always thought that my disorder and I went hand in hand. I am not saying I am a complete believer in the twelve steps but realizing that I am powerless of my eating disorder and truly believing it was when my recovery really started clicking. I have no control over Anorexia, that’s what got me here in the first place but I do have control in my recovery, in my happiness, in my life and I am so goddamn grateful that I know that. I have spent my whole life thinking I was one thing and completely embodied all my mental health disorders and my past trauma, and now knowing that I don’t have to do that, that I can just be me is so liberating. 

I am grateful that I am not as sick as I once was

It’s hard to see progress sometimes, I can be so freaking hard on myself and focus on how much more I have to do and not give myself the mega kudos for all the progress I have made. Being at Renfrew allows me to see that although I am not 100% where I could be, I am not crying over almonds like I once was. I know that I have a problem and I know that I am not going back. Well, I take that back. I don’t want to say ‘never’ but I do know in this moment, I have more of a desire to recover and I want it so badly.

I am grateful that I know how to make all the ‘I can’t’s’ temporary

No, I do not have the rule book on how to recover but I do know that to get the things that I want, like trust, independence, an education, friendships, relationships, a job, etc., I have to keep working at my recovery and I will get those things and maybe more. I know that this feeling of being 21, living at home, unemployed, in almost 6 months of treatment, is only a temporary thing if I let it be. Before, I would just go back to my eating disorder thinking that I can have it all. School, happiness, success, beauty. I’m just going to tell on ED right now and let you know you can’t have shit with an eating disorder.

I am grateful that I have made it through all the bullshit that got me to where I am

I can’t explain how hard it was to pack up my dorm room, to tell everyone, to go through the beginning mental and physical hell of the first processes of treatment, and all the other events in my life that manifested into Anorexia. Those things are over which gives me relief as well as a lot of courage. I don’t have to live those days again if I keep working. Praise!

I am grateful for all my support. I am grateful that I am well enough to acknowledge that

Truly, some sort of God or spaghetti monster gave me the best group of woman to recover with. The woman that I have met in this journey have taught me so much about myself, friendship, recovery, life, etc., and I can bible that I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them. And for the people that have been there for me as support, I can’t go into the amount of gratitude I have for every phone call, letter, package, hug, and encouragement that I have been given. I am so happy that my mind is clear enough for me to see how lucky I am that people care. I kept every letter and every gift. I have some awesome people in my life.

I am grateful my body didn’t get to where my mind wanted it to

I am not saying that my body let me off scotch free, because trust me, I was sick in plenty a ways but I am so happy that my eating disorder didn’t go all the way that, honestly, it should have gone. I am so lucky. I am so so so so so so so so so lucky. 

I am grateful the weight gain part is over

Praise.

 

So once I kept saying those over and over my mind began to shift. I was able to see hope again, to feel happiness again, and to feel worthy of recovery. As I heard my parents come up the driveway I just repeated the wisdom of secular serenity (aka the serenity prayer for atheist) over and over until I felt at peace. 

Through my efforts,

I gain the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can and

The wisdom to know the difference

Doing this really helped me. Am I still a bit bummed at where I am right now? Hell yeah. That didn’t change, I acknowledge the things that suck but doing this made me realize that if I refuse to acknowledge the things that I have then I can’t live life. Goddamnit, I am straight up over all this hating myself bullshit.

Goodnight Friends

 

Image

🙂 Best thing about recovery: rediscovering my love for RuPaul’s Drag Race

Sorry for any typos, I was too busy being grateful and shit to proof read 

#sorrynotsorry

Sarah 

It’s not worth the home cooked meal

Standard

I had a eating disorder anonymous meeting this evening where someone asked the question about how to get pass only seeing the good your eating disorder has done when you can’t see the benefits of recovery and one person made an analogy that really stuck with me. She had that years ago her mom battled cancer, she was really sick, really weak and miserable but from her family and friends she got oodles of support and free meals. She said her mom loved the free meals, and the cards but that doesn’t mean that she would want cancer again. There are benefits to having an eating disorder, I will admit. The compliments of weight lose, the high of restriction and the release you feel when you purge are pretty awesome and it helps you cope with your chaotic life. It works, if it didn’t work than eating disorders wouldn’t be a thing. What I have to remember is, although helpful, it is extremely MALADAPTIVE and not worth it.

No size jean is worth having to fake a smile, no number is worth losing the trust, the respect, the ability to live like being in this disorder is. It was humiliating having to email my residents telling them where I was going, it was humiliating having to cry over a salad and having your meals monitored. My dad has cancer and I can barely remember anything that has happened to him in the past few months because I was so malnourished and unaware. I still know the main concepts, but do I have a memory that involves conversations, details or mentally images? Nope. How sad is that? My dad is dying and these are the times I should be cherished and a lot of his illness is a blur. I’m not trying to say that my life is carefree and I am living on a rainbow. I made the decision on going to Greensboro Wednesday and I am honestly thinking of not going anymore because I’m not ready. That’s heartbreaking to me, knowing that it is something that I want to do but I am not ready for it. I could cope with my eating disorder, but where would that lead me? I promise you with every ounce of me that what I went through mentally and physically on a day to day basis is in no way worth going back to for a number. God, I could truly go on and on about all the things this disorder made me do that either I have been open with or too ashamed to say that, in this moment, I never want to go back to.

So often, I forget that what I am actually dealing with is a disease that is fatal. Although mine deals mentally, it is no different that if I had something else that was killing me. Except this disease blinds me, makes it think this is the way that we are supposed to be feeling, when in reality we feel like shit. Sometimes I can’t see past the ‘free meal’ and acknowledge that reality of what I am putting myself through. I am going to be honest with my struggles and integrity check with you. Sunday, I was really struggling with the changes in my body and accepting them so I (and by I, I mean my eating disorder) deciding to take a laxative. Emphasis on the ‘a’ and lack of ‘s’. While I was in my eating disorder, I would take handfuls of diuretics, laxatives, and diet pills multiple times a day so the fact that I resorted to one is kind of a big jump. But with that one laxative, I felt like shit. It was terrible and I was like “How the HELL did I do this to myself everyday for months?”.

I don’t know what the future holds but right now, in this moment, I am so happy that I am in recovery. I am so happy that my reality isn’t Anorexia anymore and I am so happy that I can live again, smile again, laugh again, sleep again, and be a human being that isn’t dead again. Truly, the worst day in recovery is no where near as bad as your worst day in your eating disorder. 

Also, my goal this week was to not act on any behaviors….and I haven’t. Purge free, bitches!

Keep fighting, my recovery kittens

Peace and Blessings

Sarah

Friend tip: the more you stare at your plate, the bigger it gets.