Is that a waffle in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

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I’mm back bitches. I finished my 87 days at Remuda Ranch and it was truly incredible. I am pleased to tell you that I am in recovery and I am actively trying to stay as eating disorder free as possible. I am not sure what to write about because I have a shit ton to say about my experience in AZ. I have a lot of funny stories to share as well as some things I’ve learned, some things that I wish I could unsee and so on. 

I will say one story that might bring a smile to your face. I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit in the past three months, but the most interesting thing is to see how people use behaviors. It’s common for people who suffer from anorexia and bulimia to hide food, for me that wasn’t a huge symptom of mine but apparently it’s a huge thing for others. While I was in inpatient, I saw people fresh out of their ED, so their behaviors were all over the place. On my last week there, we had a breakfast that was a waffle thingy (I say that, but it was more complex then just your average waffle). Anyways, if you finished your meal the staff would give you a cup of coffee, a choice of 2 creamers or hot tea. If you are in your eating disorder reading this, you are probably thinking “Why would anyone want just coffee? Coffee itself is 5 calories, but with the added stuff that is not an incentive enough”. You can stay in those thoughts but I promise you, everyone who is in inpatient will tell you that no matter what’s on your plate, you eat it and you get that damn coffee. Anyways, getting the coffee was a big deal. One girl wanted to have her cake and eat it, too. Well, in Anorexia’s terms, have her rice cake and eat it, too. So this lady decided to say fuck you to the waffle-but-more-than-a-waffle and put it in her pocket and tried to say that she ate her meal and got fucking outraged when the huge ass waffle-but-more-than-a-waffle was found in her tiny ass pocket. Anorexia-0 Waffle-1

So where to start

I don’t want to go into the feelings of Arizona, that’s already happened. I’ll get there, trust me. 

Being home right now is the new, weird and awkward adventure. Truly, for those who are in treatment reading this, expect the unexpected. It’s hard as hell but not in the ways you think it would be. I went to an amazing treatment center and I was freakishly prepared to handle the food. Yes, I have had some slip up’s but I don’t mean to toot my own horn here but I am more motivated than ever to kick this thing in the ass, I went to a restaurant yesterday and today, conquered it, doing awesome on my meals, following my meal plan for me and only me, really getting involved in treatment, still in as high of spirits as I can be despite all the crazy shit that has been thrown my way. Really, and I am not one to write positively but I am doing really well. 

The hardest part about being at home and continuing to sit back and watch other people live while you are stuck on meal support for your fifth month or how your friends are going out, getting paid, but for me, just the concept of applying for a job requires a treatment team meeting.  It’s heartbreaking, honestly. I have to place every step forward so thought out and carefully, it’s like I am a child again. I am an independent person, I love to do things all by myself, I’m a leader and I want people to follow me, not the other way around so it’s hard for me to take things slowly while everyone else is talking about their lives on social media or when I see them. Do you know what I would do to have exams next week, to be preparing for the summer job I wanted or shit, to even go to the RA banquet? It’s so painful, it makes me feel like everyone’s little sister. I have to sit and watch and just wait for ‘when I’m old enough, I can have fun like the other big kids.’ And as odd as it is to say with, I feel more disconnected with my friends from home here then I did when I was with treatment. At least in treatment, I was doing something with people when now I am just sitting here. 

Bleh

Well, I am going to bed. Snaps for sleep meds

I ate ahí tuna today guys. I’m kinda proud of myself. 

Peace out bitches

Sarah 

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