Many people will take what is a symptom of an eating disorder and twist into a person’s character instead of recognizing that the part of them that they are seeing is the disorder talking, not the person behind the disorder. Often times with eating disorders we are pegged as selfish or vain, only caring about the outward appearance. That is nothing short of a lie. People with eating disorders are almost always caretakers and use our food rituals to use our bodies to say what we can’t say. Also, friends and family members of those who have eating disorders get frustrated with our anxiety, completely baffled that something as simple as a sugar cookie or the idea of a picture can set us off. They’ll blow it off as “It’s not that hard” but, friends and family, I urge you to see it as I do. A sugar cookie or a shirt is more than just what they are, they are a representation of all the hurt and self hatred we feel. So no, it IS that hard.
For those who don’t know, my dad has stage 4 colon cancer and he is going through some intense chemotherapy that is causing him to lose all of his hair. My family wants to get family pictures done before he goes completely bald and this morning he said that his hair was falling out faster than he had hoped and we needed to do the pictures as soon as possible. So, through some scrambling, my mom got it worked out that we will have the pictures done tomorrow. Just that idea is extremely scary for me because I’m not too into what my body looks like and I know that once these are developed, these pictures are going to be plastered EVERYWHERE in my families circle of friends and in my mind, the first thing people are going to be staring at is my weight gain. Then my mom said that she picked out what I was going to wear and it was a stripped shirt. STRIPES! I freak out because I can’t be in a picture wearing stripes. Hell, my mom was always the one that told me I look bigger when I wear stripes so why the HELL would you buy that from me fresh off the plane from weight gain? I mean, in no way do I think she did it out of malice but the idea of pictures then stripes was extremely anxiety provoking and uncomfortable to me. So, I honored my feelings, the way I was taught to do, and explained how I felt. I didn’t yell, I just said why I was feeling the way I was. Then she said “That’s just stupid” and my sister texted me this passive aggressive message making me feel as though I was selfish for even thinking the way I do.
It’s not just stupid. It’s my disorder. When you do things that are triggering, you are basically putting salt on a wound and then when you belittle my emotions towards it, you are making me feel sicker. Mental disorders are mental disorders. I am not selfish, I am sick, I am suffering and I am trying to get better. So if that is ‘just stupid’ to you, then not only do you not see that there is a difference between me and my Anorexia and you also don’t know me in general. Because Sarah is not selfish, Sarah is kind, Sarah is selfless and Sarah sure as hell isn’t stupid.
That is all
Just a shout out, if you enjoy my blog and learning about what it is like to have an eating disorder and what recovery is like, I highly highly highly highly highly recommend looking at http://letgoletgrow.wordpress.com/ . Her journey is truly inspiring and you won’t regret reading about her and her eating disorder
I’m fergie ferg and me love you long time