Poisoned Perfection

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Many people who suffer from Anorexia are perfectionist. We want to be the smartest, the skinniest, the prettiest, the best at everything we do. This makes us insanely competitive with other people, always striving to be better than anybody and essentially better than ourselves. I don’t one to speak for everyone with Anorexia but I was always very sly about it. I could put on a normal face, seem friendly but I was constantly sizing everyone up and down when it came to every miniature detail about them. How they ate compared to me, what they ate compared to me, what they wore compared to me, how they presented themselves compared to me, etc. That sounds like I thought I was better than people which is false. In almost all my comparisons the other person one, I was never enough so I kept striving for the number or size that would finally make me feel that I was worthy. Minus jugglos, whenever I compared myself to them, I always won. But, I mean, jugglos < anyone.

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So since I made the decision to try out recovery, I have slowly began to feel more and more to be inclined as the perfect role model of happiness and an anorexia free life. I kind of predicted this would happen if everyone found out, which thanks to my parents and an email everyone knows where I am and why and this strive for being perfect in recovery got worse when I started Renfrew. I was back where I started in December but, as my ED would put it, fatter and suddenly I realized that I was no longer the best Anorexic there because I wasn’t striving for it like I used to be but now I knew I didn’t want to be where some of the patients were so I put myself in a a role model position. I had to be the best, I had to be motivating to other, I had to stop symptoms, I had to be perfect, happy, beautiful all the things I wanted from Anorexia but with different steps to hopefully receive the same results.

I am still really insecure about my body so I guess my mind made the connection that if you don’t talk about how you used to be and how happy you are now, everyone is just going to be disgusted by the weight. If you are a recovery ‘warrior’, everyone will think you are perfect and be so impressed they won’t notice the weight.  I will admit, putting such harsh expectations has been helpful, I have been sober from my eating disorder practices because I have an actual goal to strive for and my mind is in a bit better place.

But I am still in my eating disorder. Lying and manipulating people into trying to control their opinions on you as perfection is your eating disorder. My eating disorder wants me to be perfect and since it has kinda gotten the hint that the whole starving thing isn’t going to happen anytime soon, it’s shifted into working itself into the situation. I would use the competitive nature of my eating disorder as a means to numb out and now I am doing the same. The more and more I see photos of people going to things that I wouldve been going to if it wasn’t for my eating disorder, the more I want to show everyone who is there that I am perfect. Because in my mind, it’s not as pathetic as being 21, everyone knowing you went to rehab, people having to replace you, having to purposely monitor yourself because I am the odd 1% that can’t just follow my instinct because my ‘gut feeling’ is to this voice that tells me constantly that I need to feel thin to feel alive. When in reality, what’s stopping me from living at this current weight? I am using this perfect goal to numb out, to somehow maladaptively cope with the loneliness of what is going on in my life right now. When in reality, I need to face it, acknowledge it, be grateful for what I have and then keep working on me.

I don’t want you to think that this has all been a lie. I haven’t been in recovery as a lie and I am completely honest with how I am dealing with my struggles and admitting to my setbacks but what has been skewed is why I want this. I shouldn’t want recovery with any other hopes of impressing those at school and girls still in their disorder. It is not my job to be some beckon of hope to others, it is not my job to be the girl who is always going to do well. This is not a race, what you want your end result in recovery to be is completely different than mine so why I am already trying to get people to bet on who is going to win the race. We aren’t even in the same track!

 

 

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gif’s are fun when you are sad because you have no friends here

wahhh

okay, Im done.

Make good choices

Sarah

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