oh look, these cats have more of an exercise clearance than I do. Super duper.
Today I had a bit of a setback. I restricted today and skipped two meals and let me tell you, it felt really really good. Anorexia is my drug and believe it or not, I do get a high from it. I have been pretty down and anxious the past few days because of my weight and the idea of going to visit my college town and everyone seeing how much bigger I am. Rationally, I know that people aren’t going to judge me for my weight, but that doesn’t mean I am not scared out of my mind. I am struggling with the changes in my body and since I am still getting used to this whole normalized eating thing, anytime I am eating I feel out of control so today when I was offered lunch, I did the classic “I’m eating at a friends house” thing and skipped it. As much as hunger hurts for others, it makes me feel invincible. Today was the first time in months I felt in control, strong, and numb from all emotions. My mind didn’t obsess over the all the chaos in my life. I wasn’t wondering about my insurance or school or my money situation, my focus was on the possibility of losing weight and obsessing over all the food I saw on television and obsessing over when I was going to eat and how long I was going to starve. It felt really good, I am not going to lie.
I knew I couldn’t keep going with this, so I caved for dinner and ate, safe food with every food ritual known to man, but I ate and holy crap, suddenly the struggle of eating was so much harder than it was when I was consistently following my meal plan. My mind was right back where it was months ago, obsessing over and over about weight, the scale, calories, how quickly I could lose weight, hating every inch of my body and obsessing over what food I should eat next.
I did this to myself, I knew what restricting would do. I felt great but now the come down of this high is putting me in mental hell. All the struggles are amplified and I feel like I have taken about seventy steps back. Now I have to try to get back on my feet which I am now realizing more and more that this is going to be hell. My mind is so focused on restricting and how to find a loop hole through being forced to eat. Ughh, what have I done? I truly understand the expression “You don’t want to live this day twice” because I have worked my butt off to get to the mental place that I was at and now I am back to living the days where I am cutting up my food, submitting to the voice in my head that is telling me I am nothing without being thin, hating my body and feeling worthless at this weight. I am living the days of my deep Anorexia twice.
And it sucks. I want to restrict, I want to keep going, I want to be thin and I know what mentally hell is coming my way with the next few meals. Now that I am down, i am afraid that Anorexia is going to win again and right now, as much as I hate to admit it, I am okay with that. I know that I need to go back and I am going to work my butt off to get back to where I was because although it felt really good today, I know where this is going to take me and I don’t want to be that Anorexic girl with no hope.
So this is why you should stay away from getting high off of starving, back to square one. I refuse to be hopeless yet
Make good choices and if you are recovering, remember to trust the process. We all know where our eating disorders will take us but join me in trusting the unknown joys of recovery.
Love love my dears