Today, in group we had to write the first thing that comes to mind when we say “I am…”, the response within the group was mixed, some of the ladies had all words that reflected some serious self hatred, some were in between, and others were positive. There is one girl, I’ll call her Maxwell, that is 14 and is completely consumed in her disorder. Hearing Maxwell makes me realize how sick this disorder makes you. She say she was “annoying, worthless, not worthy”. When she said that something clicked with me. I asked her why she wanted to be thin. I personally believe she is worth so much more than what she sees but if for some reason what she says is true, what will thin do if she is all those negative things? I mean, whether you are 70 pounds or 700 pounds, if you suck, no amount of dieting will change that. If anything, the more malnourished you are, the more
And she said “Well if I am thin, none of it will matter”
It’s crazy but I have lived by that idea for years now, in fact, it is a daily struggle deciding if I want to believe that eating disorder lie or not and to be honest, a lot of the time, I kind of believe that. My symptom use is still pretty low and I am trying but my eating disorder is still loud, it still screams at me daily telling me what a disgrace I am for looking the way I do and somehow, if I lose weight everything will be better. My eating disorder tells me if I go back to it, things will be different, we know what will get me in trouble so we will just avoid it. As hard as it for me to say that reality is a lie.
I am going to Greensboro Wednesday and all I can think about is how everyone is going to see me as this huge blob. It’s embarrassing enough being here and not there so going there, in my disordered mind, fat, it will be even more embarrassing. I know I am probably wrong, but what if I am right? I mean, there have been girls who I knew when they were full fledged in their disorder and saw them in recovery and I did immediately notice that weight gain. How am I any different? And everyone knows, everyone knows, where I have been and why. Plus, what will I talk about? It’s just so overwhelming and I would do anything to numb out.
In a stupid moment, I took some laxatives. If anything, it took my body back to a place that I never wanted to go again. This is uncomfortable. Not doing this again.
I have made it through so much in my course of treatment, I can do this. These are the make or break moments and I really hope I do more good than harm.
I just have to keep reminding myself, thin has nothing to do with this
One day, one meal, one bite at a time.
Make good choices