What you think of me is none of my business


On most days, that is an affirmation is easy to say to myself but on days like today, it is really hard to not think other’s perception of my isn’t reality. I like helping people, I mean, I have Anorexia, it’s a caretakers disorder. Especially when it comes to others who are in their disorder. In away, I want to say something that makes girls want to stop before they get to where I was which was a girl who was half dead, threatened a tube, and lost everything and even then it took months for me to make the connection that this whole slow suicide thing wasn’t a good time. Before I went to inpatient, I had only seen extreme pictures of eating disorders on the internet and when I first entered PHP, I wasn’t at my sickest and I came to the conclusion that I was never going to get super thin or sick.

Then I crashed…and burned…..

Anyways, I want to share my story of myself and what Ive seen. I want to show people this disorder will take you exactly nowhere and getting sicker doesn’t mean that you are better. As I believe I have mentioned before, Anorexia is a competitive little bitch. You have to be the best, the thinnest, the strongest, and, as sad it may seem, the sickest. I guess since I am not in that place anymore, I forgot that saying all that I had lost would get those who are still full fledged her disorder would make them feel as though I was being boastful and that I thought that since I was once sicker, I think that they are just pathetic or something. Which is not what I am saying at all. I just don’t want them to think I am apart of their game. I did not put my name in the goblet of fire, I am not playing dolls. And if you hate me because I almost died of a disorder while you aren’t there yet, then please, keep going. Me being alive is something to celebrate not cut down. 

So yeah

I don’t have to much to write. I am going to Greensboro tomorrow and I am freaking the fuck out. It’s so nerve racking. What if they make body comments? What if it makes me more depressed since I see people at college while Im at home being yelled at because I had to go to inpatient? What if, what if, what if. There are so many questions that I have been obsessing over but I have to let it go. Whatever happens, tomorrow at this time, I will have answers, I will be stronger and I will have lived another day.

I got this




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