On most days, that is an affirmation is easy to say to myself but on days like today, it is really hard to not think other’s perception of my isn’t reality. I like helping people, I mean, I have Anorexia, it’s a caretakers disorder. Especially when it comes to others who are in their disorder. In away, I want to say something that makes girls want to stop before they get to where I was which was a girl who was half dead, threatened a tube, and lost everything and even then it took months for me to make the connection that this whole slow suicide thing wasn’t a good time. Before I went to inpatient, I had only seen extreme pictures of eating disorders on the internet and when I first entered PHP, I wasn’t at my sickest and I came to the conclusion that I was never going to get super thin or sick.
Then I crashed…and burned…..
Anyways, I want to share my story of myself and what Ive seen. I want to show people this disorder will take you exactly nowhere and getting sicker doesn’t mean that you are better. As I believe I have mentioned before, Anorexia is a competitive little bitch. You have to be the best, the thinnest, the strongest, and, as sad it may seem, the sickest. I guess since I am not in that place anymore, I forgot that saying all that I had lost would get those who are still full fledged her disorder would make them feel as though I was being boastful and that I thought that since I was once sicker, I think that they are just pathetic or something. Which is not what I am saying at all. I just don’t want them to think I am apart of their game. I did not put my name in the goblet of fire, I am not playing dolls. And if you hate me because I almost died of a disorder while you aren’t there yet, then please, keep going. Me being alive is something to celebrate not cut down.
I don’t have to much to write. I am going to Greensboro tomorrow and I am freaking the fuck out. It’s so nerve racking. What if they make body comments? What if it makes me more depressed since I see people at college while Im at home being yelled at because I had to go to inpatient? What if, what if, what if. There are so many questions that I have been obsessing over but I have to let it go. Whatever happens, tomorrow at this time, I will have answers, I will be stronger and I will have lived another day.
I got this