I love thursdays. On Thursdays, my friend from Renfrew comes over and we make dinner and then we drive over to Eating Disorders Anonymous. EDA is so amazing. Today, we got to talk about relapses vs lapses and then working the first step.
We admitted we were powerless over our eating disorder—that our lives had become unmanagable
I’m a quick fixer and a sugar coater. I can see a list of problems and solve them and if something is really bad, I always figure, it could be worse, eh? I allowed those things to completely blind me from really thinking hard on my eating disorder, not just the list of symptoms and how I truly felt with everything. I just put 2 and 2 together. I’m Sarah, I have Anorexia, it ruined my life and now I am getting help. Which I suppose sounds like the first step but the more we read the more I realized that it was more than just an eating disorder. It’s my eating disorder, it’s my symptoms, it’s my reality, no one else’s.
I mean how can I know if I am powerless over something if I don’t know it? Everything has an explanation and admitting that you are powerless over something is a really strong statement so there is no way that I can say that without really digging into what Sarah’s eating disorder is; how it can be so powerful over me.
Yes, my eating disorder does follow the DSM criteria. I am afraid of food, I am afraid of weight gain, and I can’t see how I truly look. Which, there are more in the DSM criteria that I fit but just googling what the criteria was seemed a tad triggering so I’ll just stick with this: I am Sarah and I am Anorexic with purging subtype. But Sarah’s Anorexia with purge subtype and Sarah who is Anorexic-purge type is two different things. One is my diagnosis and the other my reality.
Another thing that I never considered when I was believing I had step one figured out was who is my eating disorder and more importantly, who I am? What voice is mine? What voice is dishonest? What voice counts? Who is worthy of obeying? For the longest time I never really allowed myself to accept that I had an eating disorder. I figured since it came so naturally and easily to me, that it was just a part of who I was. ED sounded like me and made everything make sense so why not listen? But realizing that it is a voice that is not your own nor your friend allows you to see how much it has taken away from you. There are still days that I have to sit back and think “Who is saying that? Is this me or my eating disorder?” and sometimes, most of the time, I am wrong. It’s not like this british dude talking in my head about the calories in crumpets, it’s these thoughts that make the illogical make complete sense and that seems so effortless that determining that it is separate from who I am is what seems impossible.
It is my eating disorder that tells me that I am ugly. It is my eating disorder that tells me that recovery is hell, too, so why not pick Anorexia.
Hell 1 or Hell 2, right Abby?
It is my eating disorder that tells me if I am sick people will have to take care of me and if I’m not, nobody will care.
This statement right here is the lie that I believed for so long and is the lie that is the hardest for me to see as fictional. I don’t know how to tell some I need their love and support so I use my body as a vessel to show those how much I am hurting. And if my bones aren’t sticking out or my face isn’t swollen or sunken, who will know that I need them?
It is my eating disorder that judges others bodies, either making me afraid of looking like someone or depressed because I will never be beautiful.
I can’t be like her, I can’t be fat.
Why can’t I just be her?
It is my eating disorder that tells me that I can go a day without eating, I’m already doing so well, what’s one meal?
How I can feel a lapse coming: confidence with no fear
It is my eating disorder that tells me that everything will fall perfectly into place if I lose weight.
I have lost everything but the weight I wanted to lose and it’ll just happen again
It is my eating disorder that gives me a false sense of consistency.
The only consistency with Anorexia is knowing that if you are in it, you will die. That will never change.
It is my eating disorder that tells me everyone is lying when they say a thing remotely kind towards me.
I get all the feels when I hear this little number:
“Sarah, you look so healthy”
you look like you don’t have a head anymore, bitch.
(Side note/best idea ever, I should have a “I’m sorry, that’s my eating disorder” pin so when people say nice things and I don’t take it well, they can refer to the button and not think I am a bitch. Bing bang boom Im like wonka smart. Look at me, all creative and shit)
It is my eating disorder that tells me everyone can see the ounce that I have gained and they can see how worthless I am because of this.
Knowing this I can keep working my first step. I had to personify my disorder and realize that no matter how much I want to, it is not a voice of reason, care, or love and it is not a voice that I will ever be able to bargain with. It has filled my head with things that I have had to work my ass off to see that they are not true. I may not believe it still because it feels so real but I do know that those lies got me to a defenseless little girl who needed some serious help. I have to keep reminding myself that it is my eating disorder’s voice and it’s about time for me to start listening to what my mind has to say, not someone else’s.
I still have some much to discover with my own voice and who I really am, because if we are going to play the honesty game, I have no idea who I am but I do know who my eating disorder is and I do not want to be ED again. The voice makes me powerless, the voice makes everything unmanageable. It got ahold of me once but I’ll be damned if I let it take over my whole life again.
I know who you are, Anorexia bitch, and if you get near me again, I will cut you….or just cry and talk to my therapist.
It’s a mystery mother fuckkerrrr, which one will I pick….
I have a problems with GIFs.