98% of the time I have no idea what I am doing, especially in my recovery and the 2% of what I do is out of habit. I bathe, I write, I do the things that have to been done. So what I am essentially saying is that I am just winging it. In all things recovery, I am not looking behind me nor am I trying to figure out what I am doing tomorrow. When I tell people this, they always ask how I do it or give me accolades for ‘being in the moment’ when in reality, I have no idea what the hell I am up to so that’s what I take everything one step at a time. My body is sore from going up all these steps and if I look down I will be exhausted from all the work and if I look up I will see all the steps I have to take which will get me more exhausted. All I know is right now, I am where I am and tomorrow I may be somewhere different, I don’t know. This doesn’t make me some deep recovery person, it just means I’m tired.
If you know me, I am a messy person (an organized messy person, mind you. I know where my stuff is, it just isn’t placed in a neat order per say) and when I buckle down and think to myself, “Well, if I don’t do anything about this mess, I will be on hoarders” I don’t think to myself “how did it get this messy? Where is the root of this mess?” nor do I imagine a clear picture of what I want it to look like, I just see a mess and clean it up. As I go along, things naturally go where they are supposed as I go along. Things have their place, I always find them. That’s how my life is right now. It’s a mess, I don’t know how it all came together but sitting around thinking about how it got that way won’t make it any better and sitting around imagining a clean room or life won’t magically make it cleaner, picking up one thing at a time over and over until everything finds its place.
I had this whole idea of what I was going to write and then I got started and realized that all the posts I have been really proud of are the ones that I winged so let’s just see where this goes. I do like the topic I was planning on writing and I plan to, but I can’t rush it. Then it wouldn’t be my story or my experiences. I’d be pushing myself to where I don’t want to be, which is dishonesty because if I write what I don’t want to write about then my blog represents dishonesty. Dishonesty in what is really going on in my mind, dishonesty with what I feel can help myself or someone else. How can I be preaching about learning to life the life I want to live if I am writing for an audience that doesn’t involve me?
I find myself, even now at the part of my life where I am most aware of who I am, living for other people. Trying to create what I see as their perfections into mine or compare their lives and standards to mine, especially in recovery. Well, this person is here and I am there, I am not recovering, or this person is still doing this behavior, I can still recover if I do what they do. I put myself through this cycle every damn time until I realize that I am unique. I am unique in all that I do, whether it be through the uniqueness of my body, my personality, my fears, my dreams and my personal goals. I will always be failing at someone else’s life because it’s not mine and nothing I can change or do will make it mine. I am where I am, and I’ll get to where I am supposed to get to on my own pace, on my own time. And when I realize that, I always get this sudden urge of motivation to keep going because where I have put myself is truly amazing. If someone would’ve told me what my mindset is months ago, i wouldve told them that was impossible. I have come so far but that doesn’t matter as much as the pride I feel when I just see who I am today. Today, I challenged myself, today I acknowledged who I was in this moment and today, I am happy. Not because he is happy or she is miserable. i am happy because I want to be. And this isn’t just because I am having a good night, I almost had a melt down in a restaurant today but if I did, I wouldve had it for me.
I’m the best selfish I can get because I am so over living, crying, feeling, and writing for someone else. I screw up, I do awesome things and sometimes I just do nothing but just waking up each day with the sole purpose of living for myself gives me so much satisfaction even on my worse days.