I don’t like my body right now. These are the moments when I know that I am still sick as much as I pretend not to be. I’m not stupid, I know what makes sense and what doesn’t but that’s the struggle with having an eating disorder. Everything that is logically become illogical and everything that illogical makes complete sense. Logically, one night of bad eating won’t do anything, in fact, if I begin dieting after tonight that would be when my body would hold onto every calorie. Logically, I don’t look bigger right now than I did this morning. Logically, purging won’t do anything for weight loss. Logically nobody is noticing my legs and logically, no body is judging me for how much I eat. Logically, I am not fat.
However, I have an eating disorder and that means my mind is turning into what is real into a lie and what is a lie into truth. I have programmed my mind to acknowledge all these illogically feelings into trusting that they are lies from my eating disorder but that doesn’t mean what my eating disorder tells me doesn’t feel real. Everything it flipped and it sucks because whether or not I act on the urges my mind just beats me up. It’s hard to breathe and fight back sometimes.
It’s like having logic dyslexia, everything is flipped and messy and I can’t make out what is real and what isn’t. When my mind is just beating me and telling me how worthless I am, i have to say that it’s not true but it feels true. I just want a normallll brain because I am sick of fighting. I am sick of having a mind that can’t think all while I am expected to live happily among people who have brains that work.
I just froze grapes so tomorrow will be good
My mind is too frazzled tonight. Everyone has told me that I can win this battle in my life but I am really tired of fighting with the same tools when the other side keeps getting better weapons. This is an army of one over here, I need some navy seals up in here