I’m doing something stupid. I watch shows and documentaries on food when I want to restrict. It’s almost like I watch food to feel as though I’m food. It makes me extremely antsy. I’m watching a documentary on Mcdonalds right now, it’s not even bashing mcdonalds, it’s showing it’s history.
It’s not like I hate doing this, it is fascinating to me. I love food. I absolutely love it. That’s not because I am in recovery, in fact, I can say with almost certainty that my obsession with food is no where near as it was when I first began treatment. I love the science, I love the numbers, I love the power and control in can have, and I love how you can combine so many things to create a masterpiece. I am not going to lie, I am jealous of food. I am jealous of all the power it can have, it’s what makes our body work, it can be the best medicine or what kills you, it persuades us to chose where we spend our money, it’s what we use to celebrate, it’s what we give to grieve, it has so much freaking control of the world and it’s just fascinating
I think the power of food and the perfection I wanted in my life is a huge factor in my eating disorder. It’s almost as if I could beat food, and beat the need that my body had to it, I would be unstoppable. And thinness is proof. Proof that I was strong enough, had enough control to make my own body and to beat my need for nourishment.
Just this 20 minute segment makes me want to restrict and work out so badly. I don’t know why visually consuming information on food is what I go to when I’m stressed but the television shows itself numb me out. Some girls watch the notebook, I watch Inside: Mcdonalds. If I wasn’t fighting my urges, I would go to my kitchen and create an inventory with all the food we had and write down the calories, then to make a list of what I can and cannot eat. Then just to stare at the food for hours, sometimes just running my finger through it just to feel it instead of having to feel it inside of me. Lord knows how many times I have spent money on food just to stare at it or use it as a blanket to hide my disorder. People don’t ask if you’ve eaten if they see wrappers right?
I would write more but this is actually insanely triggering for me.