Fix Own, Bitches

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So I switched over to IOP this week and it’s a better transition than I thought. Best news, I got switched over to Fix-own at dinners there. That means instead of not being able to pick what I have off the Jason’s Deli menu and getting a distorted portion to match my meal plan as well as having the add ons like a yogurt and fruit, I can pick anything I want off the menu. It’s Jason’s Deli, so it’s not like the most exciting and delicious step up from what I used to have but it’s a pretty big deal. You have to work your ass to get to that point and I have. I’ve earned it, too. As of today, I have been in treatment for six months. Six damn months I have endured almost every meal perfectly designed and proportioned by someone else so I think I have earned being able to decide. My symptom use is like 3% a week, my weights stable and I am compliant.

Sometimes I pretend that I am barely Anorexic and that I should get everything back because “I’m ready”. I mean, six months and all I get is a choice for dinner three times a week? I should be able to have a job, I should be able to work out, I should be able to pick the low cal option, right? There are so many “I should’s” in my vocabulary, but it’s just a list of expectations that were mentally designed to make me feel terrible because I am focusing on what I am not and not what I have done, which is a lot of hard work.

I don’t have all the things I want because whenever I think I am in one place, Anorexia has a great way of kicking my ass letting me know that I am still very mentally ill. I signed up for housing today and I asked my friend if I could get around not having a meal plan. He gave me the answer I knew was coming, which was a no. Luckily it was over text because he would’ve seen me cry at his answer. It’s been six months and the idea of eating day in and day out in a caf or with fast food around hundreds of strangers around pounds of pounds of food drives my mind insane. It’s been six months and I know that if I walked in there I would cry. All those victories I’ve had and I still have things that are too big for me to conquer. Not saying I can’t, but I have a lot of baby steps to go. 

This is such a complex process. I feel as though so many people view eating disorders as a quick fix, people believed that I was sick but they think that I am better just because I “studied abroad” for 3 months. No, I am not better. I will never be 100% like everyone else when it comes to food, I am dealing with a disease here not a scratch with neosporin. I don’t have all the answers, I still have distorted fears that I have to challenge every single day. Yes, I do have tools, but that doesn’t always mean that I am going to use them. And I don’t say that out of defiance, if I could use all coping skills in all the situations, I would but in reality they don’t always work. In reality, sometimes my eating disorder feels better in the moment. I don’t act on behaviors on purpose, it’s my disorder. If it was a quick fix, I wouldve already done it, trust me. 

So Happy 6 month-aversary to Me! Yayyy treatment 

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2 responses »

  1. Keep going! All the shitty days will be worth it in the end! Sometimes it take for you to be out the other side of the disorder to realise that this is what is best at the moment.

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