Fix Own, Bitches

So I switched over to IOP this week and it’s a better transition than I thought. Best news, I got switched over to Fix-own at dinners there. That means instead of not being able to pick what I have off the Jason’s Deli menu and getting a distorted portion to match my meal plan as well as having the add ons like a yogurt and fruit, I can pick anything I want off the menu. It’s Jason’s Deli, so it’s not like the most exciting and delicious step up from what I used to have but it’s a pretty big deal. You have to work your ass to get to that point and I have. I’ve earned it, too. As of today, I have been in treatment for six months. Six damn months I have endured almost every meal perfectly designed and proportioned by someone else so I think I have earned being able to decide. My symptom use is like 3% a week, my weights stable and I am compliant.

Sometimes I pretend that I am barely Anorexic and that I should get everything back because “I’m ready”. I mean, six months and all I get is a choice for dinner three times a week? I should be able to have a job, I should be able to work out, I should be able to pick the low cal option, right? There are so many “I should’s” in my vocabulary, but it’s just a list of expectations that were mentally designed to make me feel terrible because I am focusing on what I am not and not what I have done, which is a lot of hard work.

I don’t have all the things I want because whenever I think I am in one place, Anorexia has a great way of kicking my ass letting me know that I am still very mentally ill. I signed up for housing today and I asked my friend if I could get around not having a meal plan. He gave me the answer I knew was coming, which was a no. Luckily it was over text because he would’ve seen me cry at his answer. It’s been six months and the idea of eating day in and day out in a caf or with fast food around hundreds of strangers around pounds of pounds of food drives my mind insane. It’s been six months and I know that if I walked in there I would cry. All those victories I’ve had and I still have things that are too big for me to conquer. Not saying I can’t, but I have a lot of baby steps to go. 

This is such a complex process. I feel as though so many people view eating disorders as a quick fix, people believed that I was sick but they think that I am better just because I “studied abroad” for 3 months. No, I am not better. I will never be 100% like everyone else when it comes to food, I am dealing with a disease here not a scratch with neosporin. I don’t have all the answers, I still have distorted fears that I have to challenge every single day. Yes, I do have tools, but that doesn’t always mean that I am going to use them. And I don’t say that out of defiance, if I could use all coping skills in all the situations, I would but in reality they don’t always work. In reality, sometimes my eating disorder feels better in the moment. I don’t act on behaviors on purpose, it’s my disorder. If it was a quick fix, I wouldve already done it, trust me. 

So Happy 6 month-aversary to Me! Yayyy treatment