Sorry I haven’t been blogging too much the past few days, life man, it’ll get to ya!
I am at my friend’s babysitting because she tried to kill herself. I’m going to leave my post short as I can because I only have a few things to say.
The first time I tried to commit suicide I was in the fourth grade. I hated everything about myself and that message conveyed for years after the first attempt. When you start treatment they ask about your suicide attempts and most people have one or two, I, on the other hand actively tried to on almost a daily basis to end my life. If you knew me then, you probably never would’ve guessed it, I am an amazing actress in the role I’ve casted myself to where I appear a happy, funny and outgoing girl. That wasn’t me at all. I even remember in high school walking the halls holding back tears, waiting for the second I could go home and harm myself.
What I am trying to say is, I am no stranger to suicide. I am not the person who looks at those who end their life and think that it was a selfish act. Suicide is a side effect of depression. It is a mark of where your mind literally cannot fathom the importance that you hold in the world.
Right now, I am trying to learn to love myself and hoping that I never have to find myself in the dark days where my goal of each day is to end it. I just want to say that if you feel like you are unimportant, if you feel like the world would benefit without you, if you feel like everything is falling apart and you just want to let go, just give yourself one last gift and that is patience. Patience in the possibility that things might get better, patience in the possibility that you can love yourself, patience in the possibility of your horror becoming a window for you to tell others and save others.
If you do feel suicidal, I am here for you because not only have I been there, I basically have a townhouse there, I know the area pretty damn well. Get yourself into treatment, find a therapist, surround yourself with people that love you as much as you should love yourself.
There is hope, I promise. Hope that can give you so much more than pills or a cut or a casket could ever give you.
If you feel a danger to yourself, call 911 or the 24/7 National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255