Trusting the terrible

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Rules and structure make me feel safe. Within the past two years, I have had such chaos that I created rules for me to follow, it began as simple and transformed into a monster. I needed them, a list of things that if I do something would happen. Don’t get this, you’ll get that. Being in control made me feel so powerful, finally nothing could happen that I couldn’t predict. I would get thin, everything would turn out great and everyone would love me. 

Well, that crashed and burned. My list of rules became longer and longer and my need to follow them became stronger. What I created for control flipped into controlling me. Long story short, I developed Anorexia and I had to go to rehab.

Whoops.

I left remuda thinking that I was back in control of my life and recovery was my new set of rules but as time goes on and my emotions that I perfectly repressed are coming out and all I want to do is go back to my rules and not feel. Which sucks because I really want to say that I am doing well in recovery but there are some rules that I can’t break and I never want to. My mind distorts things and tells me that I’ll feel anymore, I won’t be able to handle it. 

I trust these rules and stand firm to them at all costs and I know they got me nowhere but I can’t help but trust the terrible. I can’t help but blame a lot of my struggles within the past few years before the eating disorder because I was completely fearless and unruly. It’s like I am trusting a colander to be my bucket or something. 

And it’s not like the rules make sense. It’s not like no diving signs or a speed limit. It’s food. I still can’t eat french fries and I never want to, I never want to eat cakes, i never want to drink sweet tea or caloric soda and I never want to eat pizza. I am not sure what these rules will do for me, after all, little rules such as these began a terrible spiral. 

What does this mean for me? Does this mean that I am still in my Anorexia, it’s just slowing down until it finds the right moment to come back and destroy like it did before? Why do I trust rules that logically aren’t protecting me?

As each day passes, the food is slowly turning into a number and I am finding myself creating rituals around food. It’s clever though, they seem normal and all recovery like, but if I break them, I feel completely out of control. It scares me how much I still have the need for rules in my life and what a relief it gives me but at the same time typing that I will never have a french fry again makes feel so safe. I follow them blindly, hoping that maybe this time they can send me in more of a numb peace.

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One response »

  1. I am struggling with this exact same thing!! I was thinking about this today too….how I will never have french fries, or a DONUT. like NO! I think part of it is because I’ve had to do so much in recovery that I hated and had to give up my eating disorder so its like me restricting myself from having french fries, donuts, etc. is allowing myself to just keep a tiny bit of my eating disorder because I am not entirely ready to completely give it up. I had to give up being a vegetarian, so I am eating chicken, but I barely like being able to do that…so no way am I giving into eating red meats. I just wont. Its the part of me that says if I had to give up “that” control, let me at least keep SOMETHING. Its wrong and its not fully engaging in recovery, but I don’t know… at least I’m not like relapsing…so I suppose it could be worse. So I totally know what you mean, Sarah! Its tough! Keep fighting friend ❤

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