Feeling or future?

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Today I want my eating disorder back. Today I want to feel the high of restriction. Today I don’t want to feel. Today I feel fat, like everyone is staring at me, judging every inch of my body. Today I want to give up. Today I believe that if I went back to my old habits, it would be a different a different outcome. Today I believe that everything would be better if I just lost weight. 

It is taking every inch in me to just remember that this is a feeling and it will pass. It’s so annoying because recovery tries to rewire your mind from everything that you were ever told. “Follow your gut” my ass. Nobody ever told me that my gut was a disorder that would ruin my life. They never mention that in an inspirational movie. 

As frustrating as it as this is the moment when I have to stop and just try to think that these thoughts are just thoughts, not a fact, just a thought but what I do with it will determine how my future is. I can start to act on these thoughts and go back to where I have been, or just keep trying, despite how shitty I feel and actually go places.

I know it sounds simple but truly, the struggle is real

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2 responses »

  1. Please stay strong! It’s one of the hardest things to do, but giving up ED will be worth it! Recovery is a beautiful thing and you deserve it! I am so much happier now than I was a few months ago when ED was my best friend. I have bad days when ED screams at me in my mind and days when it wins, but that doesn’t mean that I’m starting from scratch. Each day is a new one and another chance at recovery and kicking Ana ass and Mia butt!!! Lots of love! You got this!

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