Today I want my eating disorder back. Today I want to feel the high of restriction. Today I don’t want to feel. Today I feel fat, like everyone is staring at me, judging every inch of my body. Today I want to give up. Today I believe that if I went back to my old habits, it would be a different a different outcome. Today I believe that everything would be better if I just lost weight.
It is taking every inch in me to just remember that this is a feeling and it will pass. It’s so annoying because recovery tries to rewire your mind from everything that you were ever told. “Follow your gut” my ass. Nobody ever told me that my gut was a disorder that would ruin my life. They never mention that in an inspirational movie.
As frustrating as it as this is the moment when I have to stop and just try to think that these thoughts are just thoughts, not a fact, just a thought but what I do with it will determine how my future is. I can start to act on these thoughts and go back to where I have been, or just keep trying, despite how shitty I feel and actually go places.
I know it sounds simple but truly, the struggle is real