I don’t know why saying this is so hard and all my other problems I can so easily exploit but my name is Sarah and I am a codependent.
I rely on people to determine my happiness or unhappiness. I cannot feel good about myself unless someone gives me a reason to and even then it isn’t enough. I must be liked and admired by everyone and that will determine who I am. Even in my day dreams when I imagine my life, I picture my happiness with someone else.
And it gets worse because I am an enabler to keep people in my life. I will say, do, and go anywhere anybody wants me to so I can keep them happy as if I am the sole person who determines their happiness and they are what determines mine. It’s fucked up and when I really think about it, my codependency issues are the biggest thing in my way when it comes to my recovery because I have to realize that I determine my future, I determine my recovery, I determine who I am going to be and I determine my happiness, nobody else.
Even on days like today when my codependent voice teams up with my ED voices to talk me down, I have to remember that it is not my job to change the bad in other people’s life and I can’t rely on them to be there for me all the time. When am I going to trust that the first person that needs to be on my team and supporting me is myself. I’m the damn team captain.
Whether or not I do have a husband or a boyfriend, I can’t sit around waiting for it to happen, that is putting too much unwanted control over that man if it happens and myself. I can’t sit around thinking of manipulating ways for the support around me to stay just for me, they have their own lives just like I do.
I don’t know who is going to be there in 3 months, a year, or even tomorrow but I have to learn to trust that no matter what happens in my life, I have to be the driving force. The thing that I should be looked forward to is the idea of the unknown. I have to plan my life Sarah first, and if someone (cough, cough Zac Efron) comes into my life, that’s awesome but I can’t sit and wait while forgetting to live. I have to put myself first and putting others in front of yourself all the time to get their love is an act of selfishness, even if I’ve purposely masked it to look like selflessness.