I will not sugar coat or try to over simplify what I’m going through because as much as I try to come off recovery flawless, this shit is hard. I never understood the saying “Recovery doesn’t take a day off” until I was actually in it but I cannot emphasize enough that to keep you’re sanity, you have to work at this every day. If you don’t, everything becomes so much more difficult. The meals become harder, your mind will focus on food, your urges will go from 0 to 60 and getting back on track is so hard. It’s not worth it.
Naturally, I write this after having a morning from hell because I broke my rule and began to follow Anorexia’s rules instead of my own. I woke up and I immediately put on gym clothes so there would be no excuse for me to not work out, I skipped breakfast and I drank diet coke to curve my hunger. Without even realizing it, I was in the mirror over examining every ounce on my body while my disorder was telling me lies of how pathetic, worthless and fat I am.
The idea of eating seemed impossible, my anxiety was through the roof and I truly considered fasting for as long as I could. I went to the doctor and talked to some friends but in all honesty, I couldn’t tell you any of the words that were spoken to me because I was so focused on restricting. It was terrible but at the same time, it gave me that eating disorder high that makes me feel as though I had cocaine through my veins. It sucks because for something so destructive it can make you feel alive.
After my appointment, my mind was debating to eat or not to eat, what I would eat, how I would work out and although my recovery muscle was exhausted (shootout to Abby on that reference) there was something in me that told me to just keep going. I reminded myself what would happen if I didn’t eat. How I wouldn’t go back to school, how I would have to go back to treatment, how I would be a professional patient, etc. Then it became more clear of all the things that would come if I did eat this meal. Freedom, happiness, school, relationships and things that I cannot even imagine.
This post sucks and Im sorry
Just make good choices