Recalculating

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Do you guys ever feel like your eating disorder is bargaining with your recovery? My eating disorder is okay to start eating something as long as I start working out. It’s a constant push and pull that really has me questioning how far I am in my recovery and what a hold my eating disorder still has on me. 

The biggest compromise my eating disorder has been trying to make is allowing me to recover as long as I don’t get to x pounds because once I get to x pounds, I’ll be fat and I will need to lose weight. There is no push and pull with this either, it’s like once I hit that number I feel like I’d be getting a call from TLC asking me to be on My 700 lb. Life. This worked for awhile because once I hit a certain weight, the weight gain wasn’t as rapid as it was when I first started this process so I’ve been feeling ok but I hit that number and it’s like when you take a wrong turn and your GPS goes immediately to recalculating. 

Is it worth it? Can’t I just dip back into my eating disorder until I am under the weight that my eating disorder told me I could be than go back to recovery? I am trying to keep afloat with all these expectations I have of myself. I want to be back into life with my full time job, going back to school, making good grades which are all things that require recovery and at the same I want to be starving, purging and working out just as bad. Somedays the latter more than the first. 

Somedays I am just tired of fighting, I am tired of being uncomfortable, I am tired of only feeling the consequences of recovery and having to continue to stay patient. The only thing that is keeping me going is the few memories I have from before I went to treatment and watching everything fall apart. As fucked up as it may sound, I have to hold onto that misery to remind myself what going back it like. 

 

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2 responses »

  1. Eating disorders are tricky things. It’s almost like an abusive boyfriend. They will mess with your mind and tear you apart emotionally to get what it wants from you. I know that it feels as if you really want to sink back into your disorder but you don’t. That’s your “boyfriend” making threats so you’ll be too scared to leave him. You need to remember what you’re doing it for. I did it for my sister. She got pregnant and she needed me and I knew I couldn’t be there for her if I kept my disorder. Find something to push yourself. 😘

  2. Keep fighting. Your ED voice is trying to manipulate you into not recovering. It’s scared that you’re leaving it and is trying to keep you prisoner.

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