Do you guys ever feel like your eating disorder is bargaining with your recovery? My eating disorder is okay to start eating something as long as I start working out. It’s a constant push and pull that really has me questioning how far I am in my recovery and what a hold my eating disorder still has on me.
The biggest compromise my eating disorder has been trying to make is allowing me to recover as long as I don’t get to x pounds because once I get to x pounds, I’ll be fat and I will need to lose weight. There is no push and pull with this either, it’s like once I hit that number I feel like I’d be getting a call from TLC asking me to be on My 700 lb. Life. This worked for awhile because once I hit a certain weight, the weight gain wasn’t as rapid as it was when I first started this process so I’ve been feeling ok but I hit that number and it’s like when you take a wrong turn and your GPS goes immediately to recalculating.
Is it worth it? Can’t I just dip back into my eating disorder until I am under the weight that my eating disorder told me I could be than go back to recovery? I am trying to keep afloat with all these expectations I have of myself. I want to be back into life with my full time job, going back to school, making good grades which are all things that require recovery and at the same I want to be starving, purging and working out just as bad. Somedays the latter more than the first.
Somedays I am just tired of fighting, I am tired of being uncomfortable, I am tired of only feeling the consequences of recovery and having to continue to stay patient. The only thing that is keeping me going is the few memories I have from before I went to treatment and watching everything fall apart. As fucked up as it may sound, I have to hold onto that misery to remind myself what going back it like.