These past few days have put me through the worst lapse I have experienced since before I was admitted to Remuda. At some points, I truly thought that this was it, I was relapsing and for moments, I was okay with that. It is hard to explain the feelings of restriction unless you have an eating disorder, but it is truly the best feeling with the worst consequences. For the first time, I couldn’t believe the benefits of recovery over my eating disorder and that terrified me. I was back to living in fear and secrets, hiding food, saying I had already eaten when I hadn’t and abusing diet drinks like it was my job.
But I shut my eating disorder down.
I am not sure how but I am fucking pumped I did. By the end of the day yesterday, I had only an ounce of energy left in recovery and I went to bed with thoughts of worthlessness and anger towards myself. Over and over I kept repeating,
“you have six weeks until your life starts again and you’re fucking it up now?”
“How can you go back being just as bad when you left? You’ll fall on your face and nobody will care”
Why now? Why couldn’t I of tripped up a month ago when I could still go back to PHP or have room in my time to make up for mistakes. It was so disappointing to have this happen right as the pieces of my life that were lost were slowly coming back. Just imagining my life going back to school with full blown Anorexia would create the same scenes that I played in last year. Having to leave, having to tell everyone, having to go to treatment, etc. And reliving those memories was when I decided that this lapse wasn’t going to beat me. I have earned hope and I have earned going back to school.
Time is running out until school and I have to prepare myself for the lapses in my future because I know this won’t be my last. Lapses will happen, it’s a part of the process, but if I let the first one turn into a relapse then how will I know how to get back on my feet when this will happen in the fall? And, to quote Shaw from Remuda, its not if lapses will happen but when. I have to learn to trust that I can beat the days when I feel there is little to fight for and the only way I can build that trust is to keep moving forward, accept what happened and take responsibility for my recovery.
I ate today. Against every fiber of my being I ate. Three meals, no purging and sitting it with it is a little uneasy but the pride I feel in myself for having the bad days and refusing to starve is worth it. I needed a curve ball to show myself that my recovery isn’t a phase that my eating disorder will snap me out of, it’s something that I can make happen.