Monthly Archives: July 2014

Would you rather?

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I am a fan of social media and apps to a degree that is almost shameful; Each week I browse through the app store, finding one game to keep my mind busy or scrolling down Facebook to see what new website people are sharing their time with. I recently found timehop, which is an app that allows you to synch it with your Facebook, twitter, etc. and show you what you were doing/thinking/saying up to two to three years ago.

My first few times on the application it reminded me of some fun times in the past and also some posts that seemed to be very important to me at the time but I have no recollection of what the purpose of why I wrote/posted it in the past. It’s funny because each time I think about the future, I hope to look back on what once was with pride and a feeling of growth. You know, maybe a tweet that I would look back on and be proud of or allowing myself to seeing how much I’ve learned. I learned that in the past few years, I have kept the same haircut, my acne has not gotten better (shout out to Kathy’s genes) and I love cursing. Nothing too aha worthy.

Until today when I went opened the app to find that the words that I had given to July 20, 2013 were not my own, they were my eating disorder’s.

It disguised itself as inspiration to me at the time. A reason to skip a meal or to give up a social opportunity to isolate in the gym that most likely seemed harmless to my twitter followers. Since we live in a world that is so focused on dieting and exercise, when you obsess about it and make it a reoccurring theme on Facebook or twitter, people actually look at you with pride instead of concern which makes it very convenient to publicize this obsession.

RT @DailyHealth: Would you rather be covered in sweat at the gym,or covered in clothes at the beach

When I look back onto last summer all I remember is days of misery inflicted by my anorexia. Hours at the gym, getting on and off the scale, constantly counting as if my life were just one big math problem. Staring at this was like being casted in some 90s horror film with lipstick on my mirror telling me “I know what you did last summer”.

Ironically, I had the opportunity to go to the beach last summer and I didn’t because I didn’t feel I was thin enough.

That’s what this horrible tweet boils down to, the would you rather creates things that were created to be enjoyable into a worth game. Putting that tweet truly into context, it is telling the follower that if you are not exhausting your body with exercise than you should be so ashamed of your body that you should ‘cover up’ at the beach.

Why does it have to be this way? Why does something as fun as going on a vacation have to be a summary to the world if you are ‘working hard enough’ or as a way to prove that you are beautiful.

I have been at the beach several times. Many beaches, some crowded, some empty. Do you know what I remember? Sand castles, riding waves, getting so sunburn that you look like a lobster, getting hamburgers, opening your eyes under water as a child and feeling as if your eyes just burned worse than your skin, etc. I do not remember any person’s body. I do not remember my fun being stopped by another person’s body nor do I remember seeing some body and being like ‘wow, they would clearly rather covered in clothes than sweat in the gym’. Pardon my language, and although sometimes it feels like a rule that excludes me and my body, but nobody gives a fuck about a stranger’s body

And even the people who went to the beach and didnt work out were still in their bathing suits.

Why, Dailyhealth, did I allow you to make me feel like a vacation wasn’t worth having because I wasn’t working hard enough on creating my perfect body.

So, I dedicate this lovely oreo recovery infused donut in my hands to you DailyHeath. One week from now I will be at the beach, splashing around with people who didnt work out to have fun, who go on vacation not to prove my worth through my body but go for the opportunity to drink beer and have fun.

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Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay
oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly I’m not half the girl I used to be
There’s a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday.

Incoming message

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It always shocks people when I tell them that I am an introvert and I hate being around people. I present myself as extremely social when I need to be and although I do have social anxiety, I am a pro at disguising it as extreme charisma. I can lead people, speak in front of crowds and small talk like it’s my job but when it comes to making plans or going out of my way to talk to people, I just don’t.

It is a rare thing to get a random phone call from me or even a text. I rarely make plans and if I do, it normally involves beer and netflix. (‘merica.) I used to think it was because I don’t like people but I am beginning to learn that the reason why I spend so much time on my own is because I have become too afraid to get hurt that I avoid people like the plague.

I think this became more clear when I started dating this guy I met a few months ago. This guy is perfect. Super hot, sarcastic, funny, kind and makes a really, really good income and he likes me…a lot. Everytime we’ve been out, I enjoyed myself but the moments leading to the dates and after, I was extremely anxious and hoping that there was some plague that would hit him on his way to my house so I wouldn’t have to go out. He likes me a lot and was willing to drive 2 hours to meet me in a destination that I made up to avoid seeing him.

He is perfect and I am so terrified that he might text me hello. I’ve legit thought of blocking him because I am too nervous. And it’s not just him, I try to stay to myself at all times.

It’s tricky because on one hand, I feel most comfortable being on my own but on the other, I am at my worst when I am by myself.

I am just afraid that if I go out of my way and let someone into my life, I’ll get hurt. That sounds cliche, but when I was a social butterfly, I was fucked over by the people I loved the most. Yes, I sped up the process of destroying myself in my hours of isolation but I’d rather have the control of my own destruction than someone else take the reigns.

That’s my goal for school. Become more social. Make friends and not have my life go crazy.

but i don’t wanna

Anorexia Purge Subtype

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It’s crazy to me that there is an actual title for what I have done to myself. A title means that I am not alone, I fit a criteria that has been carefully created to assess someone who does things like me. A title means that there are thousands of people who share the same thoughts, same behaviors, etc. It is a title that fits into a larger title of “Eating Disorders.”

When I tell people that this is what I was diagnosed with, you can tell that they have a lot of questions that most of the time they are afraid to ask but, thanks to social media, they feel as though they can track your eating disorder through creeping your pictures. Hoping to find the drastic change where they can go “Aha!” and pinpoint where it all began.

You know, like you can scroll through my facebook profile pictures and find this kind of image in the collections of my previous profile pictures

no-eating-anorexia

People expect me to tell them that I was extremely underweight, and how it was one diet that went too far. Or how I literally ate nothing for days and it was some drastic drop in weight. People expect me to be totally ok because of treatment, people will try to understand by saying they tried to starve once. Yes, I fit a criteria but it’s not society’s criteria of an eating disorder and even in the DSM criteria just gives me a title. It tells you what’s on a chart.

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That’s not me. That’s not me at my thinnest, that’s never what I looked like. 1475979_10152136141437118_137852334_n
That is. That was me at my lowest. That was me at my sickest. Not a google picture.

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That is not a picture of me before I would purge.

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That was.

This is never what I looked like after I purged

PURGING-DISORDER-AND-WEIGHT-LOSS

This was

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This doesn’t mean that the pictures that aren’t me are photos of what I should of been or photos of women who are worse than I was. Those are the stereotype. I was sick, my mind was just as sick as someone who was 40 lbs. or someone who was 400 lbs. with ED. Just because I wasn’t a skeleton doesn’t mean I wasn’t “that bad”.

The worlds criteria for Anorexia isn’t personal. It’s taken from interviews on Oprah or bad angles that make a celebrity look like a Auschwitz victim. That’s not Anorexia. There are people whose body’s drastically changed and those who haven’t. Just as a size doesn’t determine your worth, it doesn’t determine how sick you are either. I struggled like the strangers in the pictures. I starved, I mutilated, I purged, I bled, and I was slowly dying.

But I don’t look like the first page of google images when you look up restricting, purging, or Anorexia.

I share a title with 1% of the population. But it’s just words. The criteria doesn’t show you my history or what my eating disorder did to me. It shows you what I have but not why I have it.

I am so sick of people knowing I have an eating disorder and them making the decision on how sick I was. My eating disorder was comfortable for me. It was so perfectly wound in my life that it looked as though it was who I was. I never was a google image.

If you have an eating disorder and you think you aren’t sick enough because you aren’t a google image, you are.

If you don’t have an eating disorder and you think you can tell if a friend or a loved one’s condition is based upon their weight then you’re fucked. If someone is struggling DO SOMETHING!

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in recovery, it’s important to know your footing. I always find myself stumbling in places that once had perfect balance. Places and people that were once comfortable absolutely are painful now. So you do what you gotta do. You move, you flip over, and you shed or add things to find your balance again. It sucks and it can be awk but you do what you gotta do.

Like a Room without a Roof

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“I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that – I don’t mind people being happy – but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It’s a really odd thing that we’re now seeing people saying “write down 3 things that made you happy today before you go to sleep”, and “cheer up” and “happiness is our birthright” and so on. We’re kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position – it’s rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don’t teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say “Quick! Move on! Cheer up!” I’d like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word “happiness” and to replace it with the word “wholeness”. Ask yourself “is this contributing to my wholeness?” and if you’re having a bad day, it is.”