It’s crazy to me that there is an actual title for what I have done to myself. A title means that I am not alone, I fit a criteria that has been carefully created to assess someone who does things like me. A title means that there are thousands of people who share the same thoughts, same behaviors, etc. It is a title that fits into a larger title of “Eating Disorders.”
When I tell people that this is what I was diagnosed with, you can tell that they have a lot of questions that most of the time they are afraid to ask but, thanks to social media, they feel as though they can track your eating disorder through creeping your pictures. Hoping to find the drastic change where they can go “Aha!” and pinpoint where it all began.
You know, like you can scroll through my facebook profile pictures and find this kind of image in the collections of my previous profile pictures
People expect me to tell them that I was extremely underweight, and how it was one diet that went too far. Or how I literally ate nothing for days and it was some drastic drop in weight. People expect me to be totally ok because of treatment, people will try to understand by saying they tried to starve once. Yes, I fit a criteria but it’s not society’s criteria of an eating disorder and even in the DSM criteria just gives me a title. It tells you what’s on a chart.
That is not a picture of me before I would purge.
This is never what I looked like after I purged
This doesn’t mean that the pictures that aren’t me are photos of what I should of been or photos of women who are worse than I was. Those are the stereotype. I was sick, my mind was just as sick as someone who was 40 lbs. or someone who was 400 lbs. with ED. Just because I wasn’t a skeleton doesn’t mean I wasn’t “that bad”.
The worlds criteria for Anorexia isn’t personal. It’s taken from interviews on Oprah or bad angles that make a celebrity look like a Auschwitz victim. That’s not Anorexia. There are people whose body’s drastically changed and those who haven’t. Just as a size doesn’t determine your worth, it doesn’t determine how sick you are either. I struggled like the strangers in the pictures. I starved, I mutilated, I purged, I bled, and I was slowly dying.
But I don’t look like the first page of google images when you look up restricting, purging, or Anorexia.
I share a title with 1% of the population. But it’s just words. The criteria doesn’t show you my history or what my eating disorder did to me. It shows you what I have but not why I have it.
I am so sick of people knowing I have an eating disorder and them making the decision on how sick I was. My eating disorder was comfortable for me. It was so perfectly wound in my life that it looked as though it was who I was. I never was a google image.
If you have an eating disorder and you think you aren’t sick enough because you aren’t a google image, you are.
If you don’t have an eating disorder and you think you can tell if a friend or a loved one’s condition is based upon their weight then you’re fucked. If someone is struggling DO SOMETHING!