It always shocks people when I tell them that I am an introvert and I hate being around people. I present myself as extremely social when I need to be and although I do have social anxiety, I am a pro at disguising it as extreme charisma. I can lead people, speak in front of crowds and small talk like it’s my job but when it comes to making plans or going out of my way to talk to people, I just don’t.
It is a rare thing to get a random phone call from me or even a text. I rarely make plans and if I do, it normally involves beer and netflix. (‘merica.) I used to think it was because I don’t like people but I am beginning to learn that the reason why I spend so much time on my own is because I have become too afraid to get hurt that I avoid people like the plague.
I think this became more clear when I started dating this guy I met a few months ago. This guy is perfect. Super hot, sarcastic, funny, kind and makes a really, really good income and he likes me…a lot. Everytime we’ve been out, I enjoyed myself but the moments leading to the dates and after, I was extremely anxious and hoping that there was some plague that would hit him on his way to my house so I wouldn’t have to go out. He likes me a lot and was willing to drive 2 hours to meet me in a destination that I made up to avoid seeing him.
He is perfect and I am so terrified that he might text me hello. I’ve legit thought of blocking him because I am too nervous. And it’s not just him, I try to stay to myself at all times.
It’s tricky because on one hand, I feel most comfortable being on my own but on the other, I am at my worst when I am by myself.
I am just afraid that if I go out of my way and let someone into my life, I’ll get hurt. That sounds cliche, but when I was a social butterfly, I was fucked over by the people I loved the most. Yes, I sped up the process of destroying myself in my hours of isolation but I’d rather have the control of my own destruction than someone else take the reigns.
That’s my goal for school. Become more social. Make friends and not have my life go crazy.
but i don’t wanna