Until treatment, I don’t ever think I connected how much I used purging to numb out. I got so addicted to it that I thought it was just about the weight but now I only purge to make my emotions less intense. This transition has been hard and although I am striving to take everything day by day, meal by meal and minute by minute, I still find that my mind is caught up in all that’s going on and makes me overwhelmed.
I am the worst at future tripping. I blame my parents because they innocently told me to always looks towards future consequences when making all decisions. That’s true, I mean, don’t go out and fuck a dude without a condom because shit can get real and do take steps that will benefit you in the long run. I totally agree with that, but as many people with an eating disorder may relate to, when we believe something or take something to heart, we go all in. Although I am in the grey with perspectives, my life and outlook is extremely black and white. So how I took their advice was to only think of what may happen, always make choices out of fear and don’t waste living in the moment when you can work towards all that you can be.
So, for most of my life, I was always worried about the future when it came to relationships. Growing up, I have made a lot of decisions that have altered my relationships and more often than once, I would find myself completely alone with nobody liking me for who I was and the choices that were made behind that. So, going into college, I promised myself that I wouldn’t be the girl who had nobody. I spent a lot of time focusing on how I could make other people happy, how I could give them anything just so I wouldn’t lose their relationship and all while I was so afraid to lose everyone. I have spent many countless nights replaying made up scenarios of those I lovetelling me how worthless I was, how I was this or that and how they wanted nothing to do with me. This boils down to the core belief that has been the hardest for me to let go of
If people knew the real me, they would be shocked and want nothing to do with me.
That statement has such a hold on me. It creeps up when I am with friends, it disturbs my dreams and follows me everywhere I go. There are a lot of things that I have done, especially in high school, that I still can’t forgive myself for and I project that anger onto other people, even though, 99.9% of my friend population doesn’t know.
My therapist tells me that the fear of everyone finding out in the future is what is holding me back in recovery. He tells me that fear fuels my eating disorder and it’s what is driving all my lapses. It’s the reason I purge, it’s the reason I starve and it’s the reason I mutilate.
I have many friends and support people that have told me that there is nothing that I could do to not have them. My first reaction is that they are lying so I just smile and nod. Because I am afraid that the thing that will make them step away is letting my wall down and being myself. It’s miserable believing that what seperates you from having a true connection with someone is the fear of being yourself.
I just purged. I completely broke my purging ritual, too, which, if you have an ED then you know how weird and rare that is. I was with my friends, outside smoking and that future tripped scene of me being all alone and heartbroken because people learned everything about Sarah and wanted nothing to do with her popped into my mind. Although it hasn’t happened yet, the pain of this imaginary event always cuts right through me. I had to leave, I had to get out of there. I could see the disappointment in their eyes, I could feel the feeling of my heart getting heavy in my chest and I wanted nothing to do with it. I had to purge those scenes, I had to purge my fears, I had to purge who I am. I just had to. I couldn’t feel those things anymore. In that moment, I wasn’t strong enough.
I will be honest in saying that I do feel better right now from purging. Which I know is kinda taboo to say on an eating disorder recovery blog. Purging can bring such an instant relief of peace and when you suffer from severe anxiety and depression, it’s hard to resist the feeling of being ok. When you are in purge mode, it’s hard to think clearly. Sometimes I put myself in time out but I couldn’t today.
I swear to God, I would do anything to go back in time and stop me from first starting to purge. It’s so fucking addicting.
I just want to be ED free and pet kittens.