That’s where I am. I think that change, even when positive, can be overwhelming and stressful. I am finally back at school and getting settled in and I am just numb with everything going on right now. I got so comfortable in treatment and at my parent’s house that I had defined my recovery there, I was aware of my triggers and those around me were understanding and patient with me. Me going back to school was not something that randomly just happened, I have been bracing myself for returning since the day that I left to go to inpatient in January. I should be so excited but I am trying to grasp to find my footing here and who I am/who I want to become in my last two years of school.
My mind is going ten thousand miles a minute, and split between two conflicting voices: ed & recovery. And somehow I have to find how to function as a ‘normal’ college student/RA without giving into ed.
As I said earlier, I am trying to find my footing here. In all honesty, my biggest traumas have happened here in Greensboro so I have never been here without being extremely distressed and in my eating disorder so I have had support people but, another I know that I don’t know what others are thinking, I still can’t shake the feeling the people are tired of me being “fucked up”. I am trying to find when to tell someone that I am struggling or who.
I will proudly tell you that I have had an excellent support system of those who love me and it is not like I am alone, it’s just I feel alone. How do I tell someone that yesterday was ok but now skipping meals feels like the best medicine for my anxiety? How do I tell someone that I am overwhelmed by the positive changes in my life? How do I tell someone that I am afraid that if I am not sick then nobody will love me? Because, for the most part, I already know their responses. “It’ll be ok” or “You can do it”
In fairness, sometimes/most of the time, that is all someone can say because they don’t know what to do or say that will change my feelings. And last year, I was fine with those responses but now I am needing more.
And who do I tell these to? I used to confide in my boss (it’s not as weird as it sounds, he is one of my mentors) but I don’t want to overstep by boundaries. Plus, I don’t want him to think that I am the same girl that I was in January.
I just don’t know where I stand with all of this. I don’t know how recovery is going to work or if it will work here.
And if it doesn’t, what the hell am I going to do?
The thing is, whether I am struggling with an eating disorder or not, my life will always hand me those uncertainties which is easy to type but hard to except.
Right now, all I have is this moment and I am trying to take everything second by second because living in the past makes you depressed and planning your future creates anxiety, living in the now is the only way to be comfortable.
Bleh. I’ll keep y’all posted. Make good choices.